the working actress

WWW.THEWORKINGACTRESS.COM

2010-11-23T17:26:00.000-08:00

The time has come.

I confused all of you a few weeks ago into thinking the new site was up. And I tricked myself into thinking that I was tech savvy enough to move a website (and have some remote clue of what I was doing). Not so much.

So after a little tweaking, and the help of a couple verrrrrry patient friends, we have moved to: theworkingactress.com

If you want to keep up with the hustle you can find me there.

Come follow me & subscribe to the new site.

Cheers!

This movie blew my mind

2010-11-23T14:22:00.000-08:00

Rarely do I go to screenings where I am just overwhelmed by how good a film is. The acting, the story, the heart of this film....I could see it over and over again. It's like being in a Master acting class. You leave this film learning something about your craft, and (as with all great films) about your life. You must see it.

Opens December 31st, 2010

A little BBM chat

2010-11-19T15:37:00.001-08:00

So I love my Blackberry. Don't try to sell me on the iphone -- it's not happening. I love the Blackberry Messenger feature (free anywhere in the world!), and I am constantly chatting back and forth with my buddies. I usually don't think that anything we rattle on about is notable, but today my friend and I were chatting and at the end she wrote, "Hahahahaha. THAT is a blog entry." She, by the way, is one of the few people who know about the WA.

Here is a glimpse of our banter:

Me: Just watched your show while I was working out. Great job and you looked hottieboombody! Red is such a good color on you. It makes me look like a whore. ha.

Friend: Hahaah! Thankssssss! That's hilarious. I'm sure you don't look like a hobag!

Me: Ok but I do. It's ok. There are plenty of other colors in the world. And sometimes I need to look like a slut, so it's helpful to know that red gets the job done.

**Please don't judge me for using the word "hottieboombody"....I know, I know.**

The Working Actress Cheat Sheet

2010-11-17T09:18:00.000-08:00

The Hollywood Reporter started doing this new format -- magazine style, oversized, and filled with insider tidbits about things that can actually help you in the industry.

I'm not talking about nonsensical crap like what breakup some TV star is going through, or which actress has the worst cellulite (info found in the likes of the TMZs of the world). Here, you'll find where Spielberg eats lunch, that Nina Tassler (President of CBS Ent) loves Scrabble. You'll find out which execs recently tied the knot, you'll hear about the new trend in casting, and discover every other little insight that can actually help you.

So if you meet with Nina Tassler for a general, you can chat about something a bit more personal than your reel. That if you are struggling and trying to figure out where to wait tables, you can plant yourself in a place where hardhitters eat.

And it's entertaining too.

Kinda like US Weekly, except that it doesn't suck your soul.

The format is great. It's a clean, easy read, and it is an incredible resource.

You can thank me later.

You know the industry is insane when:

2010-11-11T18:42:00.001-08:00

You find out that after you broke up, your struggling actor-ex-boyfriend had sex with your agent. And your agent is a dude.

Awesome.

And yes, that did happen.

Some things are so f*&ing awkward

2010-11-10T07:52:00.000-08:00

I've been doing a lot of traveling lately, and needed to decompress yesterday. I decided to take a respite at the day spa, and try to escape from it all.

Great idea in theory, until you're sitting there naked in a steam room and a woman says, "I know you from somewhere," and runs through all the possibilities until she realizes it's from seeing you on TV. At which point I am awkwardly adjusting my towel to cover my little bits, hoping she won't recount every detail of my bikini line and tits to her friends.

So much for a relaxing steam.

It was, however, nice to come home to an email of an interview I did last week. Not as myself, but as my anonymous WA self (yet, another awkward thing to wrap my head around).

But here it is-- full of advice, musings, and tidbits I haven't mentioned before: Click here

**Note: the above photo is not me (clearly) but that's kinda what my day at the spa felt like....without the smile. So thank you random German Spa advertisement for providing the photo**

How to hitch-hike on a studio lot

2010-11-04T13:50:00.000-07:00

One word: Golfcart.

(Or is that two words...?)

Either way it is the chosen mode of transportation to get you from point A to point B on a labyrinthian lot.
Problem is, as a guest on the lot you aren't privy to getting your own golfcart to get from the parking structure to your audition.

Solution: flash a little smile, stick out your thumb, and grab a ride with a passing cart.

Now, there is a lot of charm involved in this one, and there are some important things to note:

*Guys are generally more receptive to helping a little headshot clad girl out, so look out for them (especially older crew guys who are surrounded by sweaty dudes all day)
*Rain helps (if it's raining, most people are kind enough to help you out so you don't get to your audition looking like a wet rat)
*Heels are good too (not to whore it up, but to ask someone to help you because your feet are killing you)
*Never neglect the power of being lost -- if you don't know your way around a lot, don't just ask for directions, ask for directions from someone on a golf cart

Keep in mind that there's nothing wrong with good old exercise and actually walking to these appointments, BUT when you have to go to CBS Radford, where you literally have to take a bridge to cross a river to get to your appointment, flag down the best mode of transportation on the lot.

Do you ever feel like the saddest person?

2010-11-02T16:57:00.001-07:00

Like the loneliest, most miserable person in the world?

Because I do sometimes.

And it's disgusting.

I wallow in it. In wondering what my purpose is, and that it must be something greater than being paid to read words.

Because that is what I do. I read words. Believably.

And so I try. Everyday I try to do and be more. Emphasis on "try."

Like the time a homeless girl asked me for my leftovers, and I happily gave them to her. Only to have my boyfriend ask me a few blocks later if I remembered what was in the box... because my leftovers were five alarm Thai spiced chicken wings, and the girl had no water, and no toilet, and I basically just set her ass on fire.

Shit.

Or the time I saw a man in front of the Wells Fargo ATM sitting on the curb, and ran to my car to grab him a zone bar and some boxed juice, only to have him turn to me appalled and say, "I'm not homeless. I'm waiting for my girlfriend."

Sorry guy.

But it's more than my interactions with the homeless (or those that I mistake to be homeless). I help my friends. I take care of my grandmother. I race to hold a door open for a mom with a stroller (even when she doesn't say thank you), and sponsored a little boy named Mphatso in Malawi, sending toys and books endlessly...only to realize the whole thing was bullshit, and that he didn't exist.

But I keep trying. Because I want to believe that we have to do good in this world. That we have to be good in this world.

And an actress friend of mine, who is as talented as she is amazing, and has a face that was literally made for HD, always says "Good guys win." Like those of us actresses that are good, and kind; those of us that pay our dues....we book. We win.

But when do we win?

Is it just the booking of parts that's a win? Or is it finding happiness in all the lulls between the jobs that's the real win?

Still working that one out....

PLEASE VOTE

2010-11-02T16:19:00.001-07:00

That's all I have to say.

What do you get when you cross a working actress, 50 Cent and three bodyguards?

2010-11-01T09:13:00.001-07:00

An incredibly shitty audition.

Last week I go in for a film with Bruce Willis and 50 Cent attached, only to arrive and see that the auditions are in a room with floor to ceiling glass -- so not only can you hear everyone's read.....you can see it. Everything.

Forget the fact that 50 Cent is in the room. Or that he's flanked by his bodyguards -- (because that makes sense... us actresses, we're mad dangerous with our headshots and sides, ya know?).

Forget that I haven't seen this casting director in a while and want to impress, or that I happen to be completely consumed by other stuff in my personal life at the moment.

Forget all of that and focus on the absurdity that you can see and hear every audition right in front of you like it's f-ing performance art...at the old Death Row Records building....with 50 cent & his bodyguards...and sides that have you crying in the first scene, and in a fit rage for the second.

Nightmare.

I watch the girl in the room. How she cries in her first scene, how they stare at her ass when she turns around for the second; I see the director give her adjustment, and compliment her work ("wow," "really really good,"). They all shake her hand as she walks out, perfect ass shaking side to side, and the casting director gives her a little wink. She nailed it. Who is god's name wants to follow that?

They call my name. Of course they do.

I walk in. No smiles. No handshakes.

I do the first scene. Can't get tears down because I'm pushing and I can feel that it's off, which is the absolute worst.

No adjustment.

I do the second scene. It's awful.

No adjustment.

They all look at me and say, "Great, thanks," and I get up feeling the eyes of the other actresses through the glass who just watched that train wreck. I say thanks and go to open the door to leave, and it's stuck. Of course it is.

I push it forward (nope), I pull it backward (nothin doin), and I become acutely aware that I am now the moron who can't figure out how to get out of this glass cage...all the while I have an entire audience on both sides of me watching this nightmare like I'm in theater in the rounds.

....And scene.

The people that "always knew"....

2010-10-29T14:03:00.001-07:00

I was at a premiere recently and bumped into one of my very first acting coaches. The guy who when I was doing a scene for class stopped me and said, "I don't know what you're doing up there. But it's like you're masturbating. Because you're the only one enjoying it."

Wow. Thanks buddy.

Now this time when I saw him, it was all "You're amazing (blah blah), so talented (yeah yeah) and I ALWAYS KNEW you'd be the one to make it."

Incredible how everyone "always knew" once it starts happening. Go figure.

Another interview from WA

2010-10-22T21:59:00.001-07:00

I was contacted by a Canadian actress to answer a few questions about the industry and my experience. A little Working Actress nourishment to get you through the weekend ;)

Check it out here

Dear actress friend of mine-

2010-10-19T19:54:00.000-07:00

So you go to acting school. You study theater. You do some Chekhov and Ibsen. Maybe a little Greek tragedy too. You're the best in your class. You move to Hollywood. You get an agent. And a manager.

And you start booking small roles. Then big ones. You're climbing up the ladder. You get a lawyer. A publicist. You're doing movies. And recurring roles. And you're a series regular.

People know who you are. You are fancy and respectable and even answer fan mail.

You book an arc on a major network show. You get to your trailer, and find two pairs of panties hanging with a little note that reads:

"Pick one. xo- Wardrobe"

And you can only laugh because as absurd as it is, and how you're caught off guard that you have to be in your undies for this scene (a fun fact that was never mentioned beforehand), and how your blood may want to boil.... the silver lining is that they give a shit which panties you like.

And somehow, in this perverse insane and ridiculous industry, that no, does not do network adaptations of "The Seagull," or care that you maybe played Medea for a trimester.....this fact, the fact that they let you choose which skivvies you want to wear when your ass is in high def, this somehow matters.

Now how fucked up is that?

I love you. Stick with it badass.

Just another day in the life

2010-10-18T13:51:00.000-07:00

I get to the Sony lot today, and drive up to the rooftop of the parking structure, because it brings back such amazing memories.

Off to a good start.

I walk to the elevators, and see this:

Which makes me want to cry, not because it will be a hard walk down, but because I have been trying to shake a cold for a week, I feel like shit, and this is now feeling like a "just my luck" kinda day.

I walk down the stairs, get through security, past hoards of people waiting to be studio audience for Jeopardy, walk across the lot, around the commissary, and down Main Street to finally arrive at the casting office.

I rip my scarf off, sit down, and realize that I am dripping sweat. Not because I was running, or because it was hot out (because it wasn't -- it was cold and miserable) -- I look like a hog because I am sick. Nasty, lurking in my body to rear it's ugly head at the worst possible moment-kinda sick.

Mind you, I'm supposed to be hot for this audition. Network TV aspirational hot. Which is so far from what is actually happening.

The casting associate comes out and asks me if I need a minute (could he see the sweat beading on my chest?), but I say no because (let's be honest) I kind of want to get it over with.

Thankfully, I know these CDs, and the producers are just going to cast off tape, so there aren't as many people to woo. They're sweet and understanding; they give me a pack of Emergen-C and some water and tell me they wished they looked like me when they were sick. They're lying, but I'll take it.

The read was shockingly good. That's what they said at least. Not the "shockingly" part -- they didn't say that, that was me being self-critical.

I walk across the lot, up the seven flights of stairs, through a puddle where I drench my boots, and settle into my car.

And then you get home and get ready to do it all over again.

Back to the grind

2010-10-15T15:22:00.001-07:00

I have to say it's weird to be back to the hustle. The printing of sides, learning material, checking in with the guard gate, waiting awkwardly because they somehow don't have your name on the list-hustle.

Since I've been back to LA, I've had a few reads; some of which I passed on, others that I went in for happily (though let's be honest, I'd rather be working).

But here's what happens when you've been away for a while: you forget.

Not only do you forget how to do it (the charming of the room, the ability to "audition" vs the ability to just "act," which are two very different techniques to master), but you forget the things that a few months ago were second nature to you. So much so that when the guard offers you one of these:

...you actually have to take it. Because the autopilot that your mind used to be on (that could have you enter a studio lot, run your lines in your head, and turn through the maze of little alleys until you somehow arrive at the casting office)....well, it's defunct. So there you are with your little map, looking like a tourist, trying to navigate this place that not so long ago, you knew so well you could have been a tour guide.

And there's more. You forget about the sign in sheet (how you see whose been in, what their agency is). You are reminded of how bitchy some of the girls can be. How they pretend like they're not checking you out as they glance at their lines and size each other up. You forget how much you want to cringe when the walls are thin between the waiting room and the audition room, and you can HEAR every single line coming out of someone else's mouth. But not the way you prepared it...

Thankfully though, the one thing that I didn't do after this audition was say some dipshitty thing when they told me I did a "beautiful job," and thanked me for coming in. I just said "thank you."

That's a lie. Actually, I said "no worries," and then I said "thank you," and paused to think of something nervous and awkward to say, but was feeling a little sick so my shitty wit was in poor form, and I left it at that. Thank God.

Gonna use the weekend to get my sea legs and try to dive back into the world of being a professional auditioner.

Genius

2010-10-13T17:29:00.001-07:00

This was made by actor, Richard Ruccolo, depicting the actor/agent relationship.

Amazing.

Bittersweet

2010-10-11T10:27:00.001-07:00

Wrapping a production is bittersweet. Maybe for some people it's just work, and they can quickly move on and right to the next project. Not me.

For me, it's more like camp. (Or what I imagine what leaving camp would be like, had my parents indulged me in that summer ritual of kumbayas and smores).

You spend a huge chunk of time with the same people -- you eat your meals together, you work together, you grab drinks and see movies together (like "Wall Street, Money Never Dies," which my costar and I found to be the best comedy of the year, and could not stop laughing throughout -- yes, we were those people) -- they become your fake new family. Fake, because it's temporary and fleeting, and chances are you won't be inviting them to your wedding one day. But nevertheless, "family," because they are your reality for over a month.

And for that cluster of time, you can't help but become invested.

I recently wrapped the project I was working on, and packed up my things to come back home. I stuffed my clothes into three massive bags, put a box together of paper towels, TP, and groceries to give to my costar who was staying on a few weeks longer, and said goodbye to what had been my temporary home. I was almost in tears.

We spend so much time trying to get a job, that when you finally have one, there is a sadness that greets you when the job ends. The fear of when the next job will come, the loneliness of how transient your work is, and the feeling you get when the best party has to come to an end. "But I was having so much fun! I don't want the party to end. I want to keep dancing!" -- at least that's what it feels like to me. I never want the party to end.

The silver lining: coming back after a long flight, a whirlwind of emotions, and a dreadful cold...and walking into your home, sweet, home.

Watching your own work

2010-10-06T19:27:00.000-07:00

I hate watching my own work. I've always hated it.

Always.

Even at the beginning, when my jobs were few and far between, I just felt embarrassed sitting at home and watching myself in some random scene. Back then, I thought it was embarrassing because it wasn't enough. I was better than the girl that said "Hi," even though I knew it was part of paying my dues.

Despite knowing that, I still hated watching my work.

Yes, you can learn from it. Yes, it's productive. And yes, it's something to be proud of (even if it's just one line, or one word...you beat out a lot of people to get that part).

But it is also: mortifying, self-indulgent, a little ridiculous, and breeds self-doubt, paranoia, and criticism. Unless you're a narcissist, and can watch yourself over and over again. I just can't do it.

My first date with my boyfriend, which was many many moons ago, he said to me, "So after dinner my buddy's girlfriend is having a party for this show she's on tonight, if you wanna go."

I said: "Oh fun! What show?"

Him: "This thing called, ________, it's on [major network], and she's guest starring."

Me: "Is her name [blah blah]?"

Him: "Yeah! How weird. Do you know her?"

Me: "Well yeah. I worked with her on that episode. I guest starred too."

Him: "Wait, in the same episode? So you're on TV tonight?"

Me: "Yes."

Him: "Why aren't you watching it?"

He was so confused, and I remember the look on his face so vividly (the "what kind of actress doesn't want to watch herself on TV-face")

Me: "Because we have a date."

And I meant it. The date was more important to me.

Meanwhile, for him, I think he saw angels, and thought I was the most non actress-y actress he'd ever met. Which is probably why he's stuck around for so long.

I think you have to trust your work, enjoy the process, and walk away from it. Because so many factors can happen by the time it airs that can make you cringe (they edit it and leave your worst take, they cut your entire scene, you hate how you look, you start self-censoring the dumb looks you make, etc, etc).

Because there's nothing worse than inviting people over to watch you on a show, only to realize that all of your scenes have been cut out. The awkward silence of friends sitting there so sympathetically and the one brave one who asks, "Was that it?"

Not worth it.

I love fortune cookies

2010-10-05T06:57:00.000-07:00

What happens so fast

2010-09-30T14:41:00.000-07:00

Something happens after you've worked for a while.

You get used to it. You get used to the lights and the PAs. You don't bat an eye at craft services or feel a need to stuff your purse with extra granola bars (because they're free, and they're good, and they're there). You don't flinch when makeup comes and pats your face with powder, or when the 2nd AD asks you for your special meal request so that someone can go pick it up and have it waiting for you in your trailer. (This, by the way, is not at your prompting, but rather how they are choosing to do lunch for the leads...."What would you like? From anywhere. Just name it.")

Even as awesome as that is. You say thank you and smile, and think that's cool.....but you get used to it.

You even get used to the director actually caring what you think, and wondering if you'd like another take. And the novelty of being able to take a shower in your big old trailer.

Well, I'm still not over that one. That's pretty fancy.

But as I'm sitting here on my lunch hour, what I wish is that I could get back to that feeling at the beginning. The nerves. The stomach in knots. The panic over remembering your lines, and unbridled enthusiasm over being on an actual set. Like a real life set.

I would love to remember that feeling. And this is not to say that I'm not grateful, because my god, do I count my lucky stars every day that this is my job. But that feeling when you're not used to any of it. That look in the eyes.

I saw it today in one of the extras. It was as though she was afraid to talk to me, but I could feel her stare as I was sitting in my set chair (with my name on it, which, strangely, you also get used to) typing on my blackberry. The gaze of "I want that."

I know that look because I used to make that look. Still do when I'm working with A-listers whose trailers are the size of my house. I wonder what that would be like.

But what's so validating is that in as little time as it took me to go from being a costar and longing to move up from the extras holding area, is as little time as it may take to have that massive dressing room.

A couple days ago I saw Melina Kanakaredes of CSI NY fame. I had worked with her years ago. I had looked at her with that longing in my eyes. How people fussed over her, yet how kind she was. I wanted that so badly. Because with my handful of lines, of which I toiled over, she was so smooth. Such a working actress.

When I saw her the other day, and reminded her that we had worked together, not only did she remember vivid details of that day, she remembered what we had talked about. She gave me a hug and said "Of course I remember. Congrats on how far you've come."

And that is when I thought -- "Holy shit, I am an actual working actress too."

It happened just that fast.

And my hope is that the girl doing extra work today (Jenny, originally from Michigan), will remind me of this day on set in a couple of years, and that I'll be able to look at her and say,

"Of course I remember. Congrats on how far you've come." And mean it.

When will it be enough?

2010-09-27T09:25:00.000-07:00

I was having brunch with my agent on Saturday, and breaking bread to discuss the project I'm working on. OK, half of that was a lie. There was not a morsel of bread eaten at that meal. A big chunk of baguette does not make my face look very camera friendly.

Or maybe that's just in my head. Correction: it is totally in my head. Because here's the thing -- I'm a foodie. I love to cook, I know the best places to eat, I know all the dive places to find the most amazing cheap eats, and in my mind hot sauce and it's multitude of variations is its own food group. And I do this thing (which is so stupid) where I indulge and enjoy, and always eat sensibly but deliciously, and then panic right before a shoot.

Now mind you, I've been doing fittings, and the wardrobe dept keeps telling me I am "perfect Barbie actress" because clothes fit like a dream, and still...STILL, I go to the crazy actress place of worrying if I'll look good on camera.

Part of it has to do with the fact that I was eating with my agent. One that I don't see too often. So I feel very eager to please and impress, and be the "perfect Barbie actress" who doesn't eat bread before a shoot. And even though my boyfriend reminds me constantly that my agency is lucky to have me (and not the other way around), I am still the girl who remembers just how hard it was to get an agent in the first place. Years ago, when I walked into a dank little office and prepared sides in the hallway, and held my breath hoping this guy (this old tattered jaded agent) would say yes to me. And he did. And I was fucking thrilled. And even with him, who was submitting me for god-awful projects, I would drop off cookies, and send thank you notes, and constantly thank him for getting me appointments (which by the way, is his job). But that didn't occur to me then. I was always in fear of being dropped.

So as I ate my omelette, and a couple bites of those blessed rosemary potatoes, I said to my agent, "I really hope this is the one. That this project changes things, because let's be honest, I've been through the ringer."

He quickly stopped me as I was getting into a lament of how much I feel I deserve this and reminded me that it's never about the one project. It's about the length of your career. Because first it's 'I hope this show goes,' or 'I hope this film is a success,' to 'I hope we don't get cancelled,' or 'I hope I won't be recast." And it keeps going: 'I hope we can renegotiate," "I hope we have a second season."

And as I listened and agreed (because it's true), he said "And for some reason actors, ALL actors, when they finally get it, what they've been chasing this entire time, they're never happy."

Which is a frightening thought, and begs the question -- when is it enough? Where your career is, what project you have, how your body looks, what the critics say, what the fans say, the director you're working with, the offer you want...and on and on and on."

I think it depends on the day, because there are some days when I'm having a "Gabourey Sidibe day" -- where I strut and smile, and just exude that I am the hottest most confident, joyful, grateful thing in the world, because I 100% believe that. Like she seems to, and God, do I love that girl.

And other days (which are thankfully few and far between) where I'm either girling out, or succumbing to toxic actor-y thoughts. And I say 'actor', because it's PC, yes, but mostly because the guys do it to. You should see the guys I'm working with ("what did that exec think of me?," "I have to cut out alcohol and run six miles a day before the shoot.") Yep. We're all fucking nuts.

The point is to not let this industry make you crazier than you were when you started out. And it will to a certain extent. It's tough. We're in the business of being rejected most days of the week, so of course your mind is peppered with thoughts of self-doubt, but you have to trust that you are enough.

Everyday doesn't have to be a Gabourey Sidibe day, but you better eat a couple potatoes and enjoy the ride.

Otherwise, what is the point?

Dance Monkey Dance!

2010-09-26T19:41:00.001-07:00

This is a running joke I have about our job as actors. What's funny is that it's not a joke.

We had a hair and makeup test last week (where they do your hair in about four different looks, and doll you up four different ways so that you can sashay around in a perfectly lit set and have the DP tape you "modeling" these looks for the execs, studio, director and various others). Dance monkey, dance.

Then, your costar (especially if its your love interest on the project) enters the set and the director tells you to pretend like you're laughing at something funny together, and to not actually talk but to joke around. When you ask, "Wait, just laugh?," he will then say, "Yeah, you know...like what audiences like to see. Just laugh, and maybe fix his tie and move a little." Dance monkey, dance.

And later in the week, when you have a swanky dinner with your hard hitting producers, executives and the rest of your castmates, and the execs feel they have carte blanche to get wasted, but you have one wee drink (because you are conscious of the fact that you can always be recast).....you smile, rub elbows, lay on the charm, and say little quips that make them all clink glasses. Call it what you will, but let's be real....Dance monkey, dance.

Even when an exec tells you that "everytime you wear that skirt an angel gets its wings," just moments before a seminar on sexual harassment and you smile and nod, or you walk a red carpet and they shout at you "Hey!! do something funny!," or when Shia LeBouef asks Michael Bay what his motivation is for a certain scene in Transformers, and the director replies, "Because I said run, so do it."

Dance monkey, dance.

Pre-production

2010-09-21T14:41:00.000-07:00

Here's what my week is looking like:

-wardrobe fitting
-hair and makeup test (this is when they establish your character's "look" and take pictures of it on set, like a screen test -- to see what needs tweaking)
-table read with cast, producers, and executives

It feels good to be busy. To be on location. To be living in an apartment, rather than a hotel. Having a kitchen, and space, and a washing machine. The things that make it feel more like home. Not to mention, last summer when I was working on location and staying in a stunning little boutique hotel, I ended up washing my clothes in the bathtub and feeling like a caged gerbil everyday. Housekeepers knocking ever morning, and cleaning around my freshly washed undies and workout clothes hanging all over the bathroom. I took everything out of the minibar and filled it with Sriracha, plain lowfat Kefir, and carrots and hummus. Random, I know. But it's all that would fit. And at least that could supplement room service or having to eat out.

So to be here, with room to breathe makes being away from home much less frustrating. And having a toothbrush for my boyfriend by the sink makes me smile when I wake up. His presence is here, even if he's really at home in LA.

My costar set up his place in a similar way. Mementos and reminders of the things that make it feel cozy and less cookie cutter. His ipad scrolling through pictures of everything from Burning Man to old friends. He and I grabbed dinner last night -- talked about the project, commiserated over how much we miss our significant others, and figured out what we would spend our per diem on. (Per diem is the money they give you "per day" when you are filming away from home -- so that you can survive and get whatever incidentals you need. Think of it as an allowance. But you're not 10). Options we threw out there for our spending: wine, shoes, movie tickets, swanky dinners, saving it all for a vacation, or using it all to fly out our other halves to visit us (this, by the way, will happen with per diem or not).

For now, I am trying to pocket most of it. Tuck it under my mattress (like I'm in "The Godfather"), or in the bank (like I'm a responsible adult), and be smart about how I spend it.

Today's expenses: a bag of baby brussel sprouts, acorn squash (both are currently being roasted in my oven), fresh rosemary (that's in the oven too), some prosciutto, a bottle of delicious wine, multivitamins, Maldon seasalt, and Dr. Bronners castille soap. Oh and olive oil. Good good extra virgin olive oil. Not too shabby.

Off to tuck myself into bed at a shamefully early hour with a glass of wine and the revised script.

More to come....

This had to be done

2010-09-17T06:59:00.000-07:00

...and I wasn't even hungry.

It was in the first class lounge at the airport.

I'm traveling for a job I'm working on, and when it's a big studio production they want to make sure you get there comfortably (with all the bells and whistles). So at 9am, after already having had a normal breakfast of kombucha and toast at home, I literally could not help but to eat from this first class spread.

It's not the working actress in me. It's the working class in me.

The part of me that didn't grow up with drivers, mimosas, or first class anything. The part of me that relishes the good life -- because on my own dime, there's no way in hell (even to this day) that I can rationalize spending the money for a first class ticket. It's the part of me that saves my miles for travel, waits for things to go on sale, and will take a sweater back to J Crew for the adjustment if I bought it for $90 and it got marked down the next week to $60. That's just how I am.

A couple years ago, when my jalopy of a car was on it's last leg (puttering every morning like a steamboat engine, and dying multiple times a day), I knew it was time to get a new car. And I was working. Consistently. I could afford it. And I felt like I deserved it.

For several months my shit kicker of a car had the license plate literally holding on by a thread - actually, it was duct tape and a bungee cord helping it cling to what little life it had left. One morning I went outside, and the license plate was gone. It had fallen off as I hustled from one audition to the next.

Or so I thought.

I bought a new car -- a European one, that literally took me days to accept as my own...because let's be honest, it was quiet and comfortable and plush, and everything that I wasn't accustomed to having -- and I came home to find a gift waiting for me from my beau.

It was my old license plate. Dented and dirty. Framed.

And beneath it there was a note inscribed: "So that you never forget the way up. I love you."

I never do.

The thing they know, but don't tell you

2010-09-13T14:59:00.000-07:00

I love this magazine. It's from the Producers Guild, and every season it has some fantastic interviews and insight into the mind of a producer.

Here's the one thing they rarely tell you though (even in this magazine): they know the moment you walk in the door.

They know it's your part when they see you, the way you say hi, the way you sit, the way you remind them of what they've been imagining after endless sessions with so many actresses. They just know.

I've been told this before, but it was solidified when I had breakfast this morning at King's Road with the creator of a project I'm working on.

We were sitting down to talk about my character, and where she comes from -- all of those actory questions that could err on the side of annoying, but I didn't say to the guy, "What's my motivation?" (Because sorry, but that's just lame).

I wanted to pick his brain a bit about how he sees her. Thankfully, he loved that I was so excited, and invited all of my questions over omelettes and coffee that had me bouncing off the walls.

As I was rattling on about God knows what he said, "But you gotta know -- we all knew it was you when you walked in."

All I could think was "Stop time." (a la Evie of 80s awesomeness "Out of This World" -- and if you don't know that reference then I am currently feeling very old).

He went on to explain that some girls read the material and made her bitchy, but that I made her seem sweeter. To which I said, "Well yeah -- I don't see her as bitchy, so that didn't feel like the right choice to me."

He stopped me. "Well no, because that's not you. Some people just couldn't make those lines sound like-able; not from an acting standpoint, just by their nature. You just made us like her, because we liked you. Just the essence of what you brought to the role. It made sense." And then he continued eating his toast like this was as ordinary and matter of fact a thing to say as "the sky is blue." Meanwhile, I am beaming inside.

This was as humbling, as it was ironic considering this was the only audition that I felt I bombed. I wanted another shot at it. I was convinced that I sucked. (So perhaps my character is filled with worry and self-doubt. Who knows? Whatever it was, they liked it.)

Here's my point: as you toil over what outfit to wear, and how your hair looks, and what your motivation is, and all that other shit that you pay a fortune for each month, and stress over before each audition -- just know that what you bring to the role is something no acting coach could ever give you. It's 100% you. And you bring it with you when you walk in the door.

ROSH

2010-09-09T10:08:00.000-07:00

The Jewish New Year is here, and whether you're Jewish or not, if you live in LA (and certainly if you are in the industry), you will probably be invited to some great Rosh Hashanah dinner.

I went to a Rosh dinner last night. A potluck. It was at a friend's home, and there were twenty people (all industry) breaking challah together. It was so much fun, and I didn't know the majority of the people there, so I felt the pressure to impress with a great dish.

I spent most of yesterday toiling over matzo balls. Whipping the egg whites by hand for forty minutes to garner some light and fluffy balls. Making stock from scratch, and lightly rolling these little clumps of matzo into forty small balls of goodness. It was my first attempt, and I gotta say, in my humble opinion, they were pretty damn good.

But the opinions that mattered more: my beau (of course), who would have been proud even if it tasted like sludge (because he's good like that), and these new friends that I made (who incidentally, asked me for my recipe, and praised how the soup was -- brace yourself --better than their mothers'!)

I mean....I can't help but think that one day when I'm testing for a role, and it's between me and one other girl, that some executive will say to the room, "I remember her. She makes a mean matzo ball soup. I like that girl. Let's go with her."

Is this a ridiculous thought? Yes. But is there a chance (even a small one) that it could happen? Yes. Because that is just how absurd this industry is. If the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, the way to an executive's is not any different.

Moral of the story, if invited to an industry Rosh Dinner, make this soup:

Working Actress Matzo Ball Soup

Ingredients

4 large eggs, separated
1 tsp salt
Dash cayenne papper
2 tsp white onion, grated
2 Tbsp unsalted butter, melted (this is not kosher, so you can sub veg oil if you want)
3/4 C matzo meal
7 cups chicken stock (make your own or use Better than Bouillon, my personal short cut fav)

Preparation

In a medium bowl, beat the egg whites until they hold stiff peaks, set
aside. In a large bowl, whisk together the egg yolks, salt, cayenne
pepper, onion, and butter. Fold the egg whites into the egg yolk
mixture until just combined. Gently fold in the matzo meal in several
additions. Cover bowl with plastic wrap and refrigerate one hour.
In a large pot, bring the chicken stock to a boil. Moisten hands
with cold water and roll the matzo mixture into 3/4 inch balls. After
all the balls are formed, reduce stock to a simmer, and drop matzo balls into the pot. Cover and simmer for 30 minutes. Do not even peek at them; let them sit there, untouched for 30 minutes. Then, remove with
a slotted spoon. Add some sliced carrots, chopped celery, and shredded roasted chicken to the broth until veggies are tender.
Add the matzo balls back in the pot, and finish with fresh dill.

Serve immediately, and be prepared to blow everyone's mind.

Note: Makes 20 medium-sized matzo balls

*Courtesy of Epicurious, April 2003 + many tweaks by Chef W.A.*

Week in review

2010-09-03T19:50:00.000-07:00

1. In lieu of Emmy parties, I sat in bed feasting on wine, green tea ice cream, and a side of chips. Because I'm often times anti social, and enjoy little one woman parties of indulgence before I start shooting something.

2. Had an amazing lunch with my agent at Boa on Sunset Boulevard, because we like to think that we're fancy sometimes and enjoy foodie chat, people watching, and catching up. And because who else will read my mind and comment on how "oxidized" the tuna looks, because we both heard that term mentioned on Top Chef.

3. Spent the day with my mom on the island of Catalina, where we kayaked, biked around, and spent the day frolicking about having mommy and me time. Pretty awesome.

4. Had an appointment with my acupuncturist and a holistic chiropractor. Because it's LA.

5. Had lunch with my Beau and my dad, who handed him a stack of my baby pictures (cute) and my awkward phase pictures circa ages 10-12 (not so cute at all). Thank you mom, for letting me get the horrific haircut in the early 90s that will continue to haunt me for life. And thank you daddy for the sparkling reminder of said haircut today.

6. Indulged in some wine that literally blew my mind.

7. Went to see my grandma and brought her three $1 lottery scratchers, of which she won $20.

8. Helped my friend run lines.

9. Said to myself over and over again....."happy, thank you, more please."

Pretty and fuckable

2010-08-31T18:24:00.000-07:00

"That's what I'm good at," says the wardrobe designer I spoke with today.

"I don't know why the execs are on my back, because HELLO, 'pretty and fuckable' is what I do best. I will make everyone look amazing, and we'll push the envelope but ground it in reality."

Wow.

I have worked with some characters; and certainly in the hair/make-up or wardrobe departments, but this guy takes the cake.

More to come on how 'pretty' and 'fuckable' I end up looking.

Classic.

Let's begin our day with a pep talk

2010-08-30T08:53:00.000-07:00

This little girl is on to something. Can you imagine if we started our day like this? Maybe not straddling the bathroom sink in our PJs. But with that deep rooted belief in ourselves, and how awesome we are....? You would feel fantastic (though perhaps mildly silly), and crush your auditions...

Happy Monday!
(Emmy weekend recap coming soon....)

Swag Suites

2010-08-26T19:44:00.001-07:00

In this pre-Emmy buzz, the town is inundated with gifting suites -- a Candyland for actors who want to be gifted all sorts of random (and sometimes very luxe) goodies.

I went to one this week and left with clothes, loads of makeup, jewelry, and some gift cards. They pass cocktails and fancy little nibbles. Like the kind of things you see on Top Chef. That are drizzled with truffle oil and money. Everyone is super friendly and eager to take your picture, and they are usually held at swanky hotels or private residences. The one I went to was fantastic, but let me tell you how ridiculous some of them get. Here are some things I've been "gifted" in the past:

-a three night stay at a luxury resort in Hawaii, with dinners and massages (we went for the beau's bday)
-a VIP gift card to Johnny Rockets so that I could eat for free with up to six people, anytime, as much as I wanted... for an entire year (like whoa...)
-massages, facials, spa getaways, hair cuts, manicures, silk bedding, flat irons, bottles of booze, handbags

It seriously runs the gamut. And the only catch is that you have to take pictures with the products. Which, by the way, have also included:

-surge protectors (yes, I took a picture posing with a freaking extension cord and smiling like it was the best product in the world)
-a water purifier
-keychains shaped like little pigs (I'm dead serious...and the kicker -- these companies pay up to $6000 just to be there and give those little piggies away)
-breath mints (um...thank you?)
-energy drinks, razors, baby clothes (for the children I don't have), and rhinestone studded lollipops (yes, still serious)

I have posed with all of these things. A big old Kool-Aid smile on my face, a cookie cutter hand on the hip, and bags of swag. Sometimes happily, sometimes shamefully (and feeling like I'm whoring myself out for a few freebies)....but always gratefully.

But here's the killer. Where were these freaking people when I had $60 in my checking account, and could have seriously used a gift card for free burgers and fries for an entire year? Why didn't these perks exist when I was so stressed out from my lack of auditions, and wondering if I would ever get a break in my career? I could have really used that free massage then. Or that killer blowout from Frederick Fekkai to make me feel better about myself. I would have loved those fancy $600 shoes when I was hostessing and scraping pennies to put gas in my car so I could get to the audition for "Girl #2" or the waitress role on a shitty show who says something generic and small like, "What can I get you?" A part, which by the way, I would have died for at the time.

And that's the painful part of this industry -- that crazy contrast of the haves and the have-nots. When you have it all (or seem like you do), everyone wants to give you more. And when you are just getting by....you have to suck it up, pinch those pennies, and survive on groceries from the 99 Cent store and a prayer.

It's insane, and I am more than aware of that.....so all that I suggest is that when you get there -- to that point of gifting suites, red carpets...and favors, and praise, and residuals (oh my).....you must, you MUST share the success.

....which is precisely why my girlfriends get to go through this bag and take all the "candy" they want. Consider it the working actress version of trick-or-treating.

Money, management, and other musings...

2010-08-25T10:27:00.000-07:00

So remember how I parted ways with my manager a few months ago? And then began the search for the new one? And then met the schmuck that was so Hollywood that he told me he'd rep me, and then waffled? Right....the roller coaster of representation.

The silver lining of the manager-less process is saving that glorious ten percent.

When you're not working, ten percent of zero is not a big deal, but when you start making a little cash, that ten percent of the gross is painful. Especially when they're not earning their keep. Then it especially sucks.

Regardless of my joy for this extra chunk of change in my pocket, I do like having a team. Maybe it's the only child in me that didn't like playing with her barbies alone -- the part of me that wanted more people to share the fun with...who knows? But what I do know is that I crave it. That core group that hustles with me, and shares the success, frustration, excitement of it all.

Which brings me to who I am leaning towards. My agent had a stellar assistant. He functioned as a second agent for me, because he was just so ridiculously on top of things. But beyond the practicality of it all, I just adore him. He was the person I would call after my appointments. For everything. To vent, to chat, to ask absurd questions about everything from wine bars to scuba diving. He was so much of my go-to that the absence of a manager was not really felt....because there he was -- Super Assistant, always happy to entertain my spastic actress post-audition musings.

Well, a couple weeks ago, he called me to say that he had taken a job as a full manager. At one of the companies that I met with that still want to sign me. Badly, it seems.

So doesn't it seem like a no-brainer? To sign with him as my manager and have a team that I have a short hand with.....who incidentally also have a shorthand with each other....? Doesn't that just seem like the obvious choice?

This is going to require a lot more thought....

The things that keep me up at night

2010-08-19T04:53:00.000-07:00

It used to be auditions. Plain old ordinary auditions. Pre-reads, even. That was at the beginning of my career, when the opportunity to go in for a couple lines on a show like "Ghost Whisperer," would have blown my mind. It would have elicited calls from my parents asking if I felt ready, and cups of chamomile tea just to help me calm my excitement, and try to sleep before the "big day." The big day that would probably require hours of prep, and outfit changes, only to be in the room for a casting associate for about five minutes. Nonetheless, at the time, I lost of plenty of sleep over those.

Then it was callbacks. Oh my God, the pressure I felt with callbacks. "They like me!" ringing through my head like triumphant victory bells were chiming through Hollywood saying, "It's official ladies and gentlemen. This girl is really an actress." And then the reality sinking in...."They like me....and now I have to do it all over again. For the producers. Holy shit." Chamomile tea wasn't cutting it for that. My dreams would be littered with the dialogue, I'd wake up, my brain spinning with lines from whatever procedural or episodic it happened to be, and literally get down on my knees and pray to go to sleep.

As my career progressed, what kept me up at night were the nights before my first day on set. And they still do sometimes -- not as much because of nerves, but excitement. I know what I'm doing now, so I feel less riddled with worry in the wee hours of the morning, but rest assured -- if my calltime happens to be an obscene hour of 4:45am, my body will propel me out of bed well before 3:30am when my alarm starts chiming.

Nowadays, without fail, the thing that keeps me up at night is testing. Which I'm doing this week. It's a project that I'm so excited about. As a matter of fact, it was the only project in a sea of auditions from the past couple weeks that I emailed my agent about afterwards. I wanted another shot at it, and as luck would have it, my "other shot" has come in the form of a test.

Testing is one of the oddities of our industry that makes acting as inorganic and awkward as possible. It's like performing for dinner theater. Where you can see your blank faced audience, who seem to be more engrossed with their swedish meatballs than the performance you have put your heart into. Actually, it's probably worse than dinner theater. Because at least the people there are eating. The worst way to test is when you get a room full of executives who are starving, and have to watch you and some other girl do three tearful scenes before they can finally have the chicken cordon bleu that the commissary only serves on Friday. Any lull in the dialogue, and all you hear are stomachs growling.

But what keeps me up at night with testing is more than that. It's the head to head of it all, and the reality of it all. It feels more real than anything else you will have done up to that point. And more than anything, it is the tease of what your future could look like.

Up to this point you've learned the material, toiled over an outfit, had a work session with the director and producers (to refine your choices before you read for studio and network), and let your team negotiate the deal. Great. Still feels pretty normal and abstract. But then, when you get the to test you have to sign your paperwork. And by paperwork I mean your pages of contract, drawing out exactly what you will make if you get this job, what they will pay you per episode if it's a TV show, and if it gets picked up. How much cash they will put in your pocket to relocate you. How many first class tickets you'll get to go to and fro your real home to your temporary one on location, what your per diem will be, how big your trailer is, what your billing will be, how long your wardrobe sessions will last, what the press will be like, what approval you'll get for promotional shoots, what your salary would be for a second season, and third, and, and, and, and.....

So what started as an audition. A simple reading of a few pages that you really wanted...has actualized into so much more than just a job. It becomes a life changer, a game changer. A three year layout of what your life could look like if you nail this read.....and all the other ifs go in your favor as well. Up until this point, it's all hypothetical. Drunken babble with friends about how fancy you'll be one day, and your parents telling you they've always known you'll be a star.

But on this day, there it is. In writing. Not a guarantee, but a big old stack of contracts telling you they think so too, and if all goes according to plan that this may get you one step closer.

So while I may lose a bit of sleep over it....when I book it, I may have the best night's rest of my entire life.

The Actor/Director relationship

2010-08-16T19:09:00.000-07:00

I've had relationships with directors that run the gamut. Here's a sampling:

-An Oscar winning director who pretends to slap me back and forth across the face on set a la "Chinatown," saying "sister...daughter....sister...daughter."

-An Emmy and BAFTA award winning director, who is as notorious for his three piece suits and quiet demeanor, as he is for pilots that always get picked up; he asked me to join him for tea...at Chateau Marmont. I called my manager..."It's a hotel! There are certainly other places to have tea. Is he trying to sleep with me?" I ended up going and meeting him in the lounge. It was fine. Fun, actually. Until we said we'd walk out together, and I was so short walking behind his tall frame that I followed him directly into the men's bathroom. Yeah. That was smooth.

-An indie director who wrote such awful dialogue that he finally asked me if I could go through the script and type out the things I've been improv'ing because it had been so much better. "But just so you know, you won't be getting a writing credit."

-A very well regarded TV director with a penchant for asshole-ry, who throughout four days of working with me, could never remember my name and kept cue-ing me by saying "yellow dress girl."

-Another Emmy award winning director who asked me if I wouldn't mind pouring a cup of water all over myself as I sauntered out of a pool in a bikini....even though the day we were shooting, it had started hailing. I said no.

-A director who pulled my test deal the night before the test.

-A director who sat me down and gave me tips on marriage, and life, and love.

They're all crazy. But I love em.

Hustle bustle

2010-08-12T18:36:00.000-07:00

Since the week before I left for vacation to this week that I've been back in the mix, it has been non-stop auditioning. At least one a day for all the major series reg/recurring/film lead kind of roles...the things I used to dream about. The things I still dream about.

But in the throws of those long dreamt of auditions, what you realize is that it is haaaaaard work.

Your brain is muddled with lines. You go to one audition, you laugh. You go to the second, you have to cry. And absent-mindedly I blurt shit out as I leave the casting when they compliment me. Perhaps a mix of insanity, exhaustion, or just plain God knows what.

Examples:

At an audition two weeks ago, with the director and producers for a fancy sequel to an action film (MI4)...

CD: "Great work. That's tough to go from one scene that's fear based, to the next that's playful, to the last one [where she has a knife to her throat]"

Me: "Yeah, it is. Don't worry, I'm not schizophrenic."

(Awkward chuckle....)

Or the classic moment that happened this week, (also for a lead in a film)....

CD: "Wow. You have such amazing access to your emotions. You can tap into them so quickly."

Me: "What can I say...I'm a product of divorce."

I mean.....really? Why can't I just say thank you, and walk to my car having accepted the compliment, VS saying some bizarre quip that makes me question if I am the world's largest weirdo.

::::sigh::::::

"It is what it is," says the little weirdo.

Always ask, always ask, always ask

2010-08-10T14:43:00.001-07:00

I'm saying it incessantly because I'm trying to drill it into my head too. Always ask.

In the room, it is your time. It is your audition. If you didn't feel good about your take -- always ask to do it again.

I drove out to West LA today to read for a series reg on a new cable network show. Driving up was like deja vu, because just a couple weeks ago, I went to this obscure casting building and got a $50 ticket for an expired meter (producers were running 40 minutes late). I avoided the cursed meter of weeks past, and opted for a spot blocks away that didn't have a 30 minute limit.

I'll be honest --I was a little disheveled this morning. Hair not quite right, still a little jetlagged and definitely (and shamefully) not off book for these 9 pages. My brain just couldn't do it, try as it might.

The producers were running late for this read, and maintenance men were layering a dark wood stain on the outside patio -- a breeding ground for us actresses to become extremely loopy in the half hour it took to begin the session. It was a giggly bunch (perhaps because of the huffy fumes), with the exception of one girl from Talentworks who seemed like it was her first big session. The ICM and WME girls were just shooting the shit, while this girl stared blankly at all of us, shaking her foot a mile a minute. I told her she had beautiful eyes. Because she did. And because I would have wanted to have someone be nice when I was starting out and intimidated by the room.

Finally it's my turn. I get in front of the producers, and joke about feeling high from the fumes. They laughed...."we totally get it," they said.

I do the scenes as best as I can, and seemed to charm the producers. They gave me a small adjustment for the second scene -- two notes -- one of which I felt like I nailed, the other not so much. And even though I knew it was off felt it was off, and even though they all went "yeah, great, fantastic, awesome," I knew I should have just asked to do it again. Even if not for them, for me. So that my mind would not replay that read for the rest of the day, and so that I would have known that I did what I considered my best.

Six years of doing this, and I still wuss out of asking sometimes -- not out of nerves, but mostly out of thinking "Well...if they say it's good, it probably is..."

And that's dumb. Because they don't know what you can do unless you show them. So if you know you can do better, then ask to do it again. And knock them out of the park.

Casting directors are dicks

2010-08-09T17:06:00.000-07:00

...some of them, at least.

Power tripping, egomaniacal dicks. Like the one I saw today. Now don't get me wrong -- ther are certain CDs I live for. Ones that are cool and easy, that I grab drinks with, that I get evites from, and Facebook messages (that have special notes about a character before I go in for the audition). These are the same ones that I have no problem going in for on a Sunday at 10am the day after I return from a two week vacation and fifteen hours of travel. Those ones are awesome.

However, today I encountered a dick. I've read for this man twice in my career. Once at the very very beginning, when I was as green as can be and had a (singular) credit on my resume. I was petrified. It was for a huge studio film, on a big studio lot, and there I was with a little jean skirt on and too much lipgloss. Kat Dennings was there too. And I remember asking her if the CD was nice. A random question, yes, but I was nervous and making small talk, and she was the only person there. She just looked at me and put her earphones in, without saying a freaking word. I remember it like yesterday, because that entire audition was the first time I remember thinking, "wow, these other actresses are not your friends." And what I would soon realize was..."neither are these casting directors."

He was obnoxious, spastic, critical, and laughed and said things like "oh my god, you've only done a showcase," (which at the time was my only source of pride and career highlight), and told me in the room that I just didn't get it. The character that is.

Fast forward to today, where he was just as categorically awful. "Ack! We're gonna stop there because you're leaning forward and that makes you look weak, and you just actually hopped during one line, which looks terrible on camera, so definitely don't do that again."

"Wait, I just hopped?"
"Yes, you just hopped. Don't do it. It looks bad."

I still swear to god I didn't fucking hop in my audition, but whatever....

He went on to criticize and correct, give me acting lessons, and have me say on camera for the director all the things I've booked recently; which, now five years since I last saw him, was not so laughable.

Then at the end, when I delivered my last line, he burst into joy and actually (you guessed it) hopped and said, "Finally!!! Finally someone delivered that line correctly! That, my dear, is well worth your cost of admission."

Thankfully it's laughable, but I must say, that's one hell of a welcome back to the grind.

Vacation

2010-08-02T16:30:00.000-07:00

Be back in a week...until then, take a moment to vacate for yourself. Even if that means a little homemade pina colada, or the longest bubble bath of your life.

We work hard, we deserve a little R & R...

And I tell you this....the longer you work, the better these vacations get.

Cheers!

Food for thought #2

2010-07-27T17:21:00.000-07:00

"I hated every minute of training, but I said, 'Don't quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion.'" - Muhammad Ali

Allergic to the world

2010-07-26T15:08:00.000-07:00

A couple weeks ago, when I woke up with my eyes swollen shut, it began a whirlwind of doctor's appointments, acupuncture, and allergist visits. It has now been determined that I am allergic to....(drumroll please)....the environment. The allergist actually laughed and said, "Hey, you could do the sequel and be "The Girl in the Bubble." Thanks Doc.

It's so dramatic, it's laughable. Trees, pollen, grass...may as well throw air and water in there while you're at it. It's just ridiculous. So after talking it over with my allergist, we decided I would start a series of vaccinations in a couple weeks as a preventative measure so i don't wake up one morning to shoot something and look like a little mongrel. I have to admit, I didn't take it that seriously (since it had only been one flare up in 20 something years).

That is, until today.

After reading for producers this morning, and seeing the likes of Bijou Phillips, Minka Kelly, and (the enviably funny, talented, awesome) Leslie Bibb, while there, I felt my eyes tearing. Not tears of sadness over Leslie Bibb's 99 percent chance of getting this role (because hey...you never know! and they're still making her audition). But rather because the allergist is right; I am allergic to the whole freakin world. Or maybe just to auditions.

I was an itchy, scratchy, watery mess of an actress. I improv'd my way through the audition, made some fans ("how have we never met you?" "terrific!" "great timing!" etc), came out to a $50 parking ticket (meter expired 4 minutes before I got to it), watched a car accident happen, and sped to Rite Aid to buy some instantaneous histamine blocking drugs.

This was all by noon.

I sat in my car, waiting for the zyrtec to kick in, and had to laugh. Which is probably the point of life -- to find the absurdity and humor in it. To find that in your auditions, your sides, your relationships, your ____________. To find the laughter in all of it.

My mom once said to me, "Have a funny day." It's something her yoga teacher's little boy said one morning, and it's always resonated with me. So while I am having a mildly itchy day, and an up and coming actress-y day, I am grateful that I'm having a funny day.

(Meanwhile I am eating these leaves that my acupuncturist gave me from his garden. He says they'll help. I feel like a miserable rabbit).

I got the magic in me

2010-07-25T13:52:00.001-07:00

OK....so, this song is cheesy.

BUT It makes me happy. And while it has nothing to do with acting, I somehow find a way to apply most songs to my life, or certainly to my career.

For me, this song just makes me smile, and before auditions it reminds me that I've got something special in me. So even if there are seven other girls in the requisite jeans and black tank, I know that I "got the magic in me." I bring something new and interesting...magical, even.

What can I say? I got some roller rink in me.
Enjoy!

The buzzkillers

2010-07-24T17:26:00.001-07:00

So at my final audition of the week (which was also my seventh audition of the week), I was waiting for my producer session. Casting thought they were ready for me, but realized the producers needed an extra second, so they asked me to wait right by the door.

Through the mighty thin walls this is what I hear before I go in: "Acting is over-rated. We just need someone hot. Like ridiculously hot. Seriously. That's it."

Which was, (ahem), not exactly what I wanted to hear after prepping these sides, making choices, and working my ass off to memorize and be 100% on my game for this series regular role. If that's the case, why don't they just cast someone off of their headshot? Buzzkill? Yes. Audition killer? No. You can't let it be.

Because here's the thing -- it just further illustrates that so much of this industry is out of our control. Do your best, but take it with a grain of salt. You could be too hot, not hot enough, too good, not good enough, or simply remind the producer of his ex-wife's sister that he always hated. Totally out of your control.

If you have 10 auditions and don't book, it ok. It's out of your control. If you have 50 auditions and don't book, it's ok. It's out of your control. As long as you are doing your part (prepared, punctual, good read, looking your best), it's just par for the course.

And it will make it that much sweeter when it hits.

WWLMD

2010-07-21T15:20:00.000-07:00

What Would Leslie Mann Do?

I always ask myself this before comedy auditions. A) because I f-ing love her work & B) because her timing is real and fantastic.

I think I should make a little rubber band bracelet with this acronym.

I went to an audition for a big studio comedy this morning, and thought that after yesterday, perhaps I should revert to carrying the requisite headshot in my bag (just in case). I had had a couple rumpled ones in there for close to a year -- rumpled because no one ever wanted or needed one, for a year because that's how long it's been since anyone has asked me for a headshot in the room.

About two weeks ago, I pulled them out of my purse. They were in dire need of updating, and they were starting to look pretty haggard. And as luck would have it, yesterday, The Casting Director of Doom & Entitlement gave me shit for not having one. Fine, I thought -- just toss some new ones in your purse with all the recent bookings added, and the manager taken off. Chances are they won't want it, but who knows.

So I go to my audition today and the CD doesn't ask me for a headshot. I decide to offer it up. "Do you need my pic & resume?" She literally laughs. "No sweetie, don't be silly. We have all your stuff here." Mind you, this is a CD I've met once. And producers I've never met. But this is how I'm used to it working. They're prepped for who is coming in to the room, just as I am prepped with my material, choices, and Leslie Mann inspiration.

It was a great read. They laughed, we chatted for a bit, and I left....newly rumpled headshot and resume still in tow.

Self taping

2010-07-21T15:10:00.000-07:00

About a year ago I had to put myself on tape for a series reg on an episodic (which was casting out of NY). I had never done it before, and scrambled to figure out what to do in the 24hrs I had to put it together. How hard could it be, I thought? So I tried to be off book, had my boyfriend's assistant help me, and we shot the scene in an empty office.

My agency sent a messenger to pick up the DVD, and a few hours later, I receive a call from my agent....saying this:

"I don't know what to say. This is not the work we know you to do -- you weren't off book, we could barely see you. I would just rather the casting director not see your work at all, than to see you like this."

Gulp. Tell me what you really think. But that's why I love him afterall...he does.

It was harsh, but it was true. The lighting was bad, it was thrown together, I wasn't off book....and it was mortifying. I knew it wasn't my best but I didn't know it was THAT bad. The next time I had to put myself on tape, he called some casting directors and asked if they'd put me on tape in between their other sessions. I brought them some cupcakes, we shot the scene, and everyone was happy.

Today, I have to self tape again. I won't be in NY for a while, and they want to see me for this role. My actress friend is coming over to help me, and fingers crossed that we do it justice...or God knows, I'll hear about it. She's good at this stuff, so it should be a home run.

The things that make my blood boil

2010-07-20T15:22:00.001-07:00

I have a pretty high tolerance for asshole behavior -- you have to in this town, because there are a lot of assholes. But every once in a while, I am blown away by the assholery of a special few. (Yes, assholery - go with it).

I have five auditions this week (some for series regs, some for major features, and features in 3D, and one for an indie), the latter being a world that I have asked to have more access to. So when I received this indie script and saw who was attached, I said yes -- I would love to meet these producers. It's deep and interesting and different....it's quintessential indie.

I go in to the read today and the sign in sheet has "Union/Non-union?" next to the place that we sign our name. This should have been my first sign that this would not be like my normal reads, because for me, this is something I've never seen. I go in, and the lone casting director asks me for my headshot. I don't have one.

"Sorry, I don't have one with me."
-"Why not?"
"Because I wasn't told I needed one today and we're in the process of updating my resume."
-"Let me tell you something dear. As an actress, for your future, you always need to carry with you a headshot...and a resume."

....at this point she's talking to me with a tone like I'm a fucking three year old....

"Well, if it's important, I can have my agency fax one over, but I was told they sent you a hard copy." (which, by the way, they did.)
-"You don't seem to understand. As a professional actress, you should have this with you. All the time. Do you understand me?"

....OK. Simmer down now crazy lady. Is she trying to school me in the world of auditioning? Something I do every single day of my life? I find myself in this moment losing every ounce of patience. Not just because she's being ridiculously condescending (not to mention she has zero casting credits and evidently doesn't know how to run a session), but because she gets away with talking to actresses that way. It blows my mind. Perhaps she assumes that I'm a non-union actress and this is my 4th audition ever...who cares? Where does she get off being so obnoxious? To anyone?It drives me crazy......

I roll my eyes (because I succumbed to her level of obnoxiousness, and shamefully could not control my eyes from doing a backflip into their sockets), turn around to set up the space, and center the chair. She walks over and says, "You're going to be standing. You're not going to use the chair." I look up at her -- "well actually, there are five scenes, and I'm going to use the chair for a couple of them." "No you're not," she says, "we're not using the chair today."

WTF? I'm sorry, I thought I was an actress. You know, the kind that makes choices and works on her material...I can't even sit now? And in that moment, time froze and a voice in my head kept saying to me, "just leave, just leave, just leave." I can safely say, I have never had the impulse to leave an audition, but today I battled the urge.

I ended up staying, doing the scenes (standing up, mind you), and leaving without saying thank you, shaking her hand, or giving a shit. I felt sick -- sick that the producers weren't there, sick that this D level casting agent felt entitled to speak down to any actress/any person/ anybody, and sick that I stayed. I called my agent when I left. "We told you you could have passed if you wanted to,. This is purely because you asked for more indie stuff. Not the kind of project we seek out for you." he said. "I know, I know, but I liked the script...who knew she was gonna suck so much?"

We brushed it off, my blood stopped boiling, and I came home to learn material for "Men in Black 3," where as with every project in this town, there are sure to be a few assholes, but at least these ones know what they're doing and how to run a casting session.

Only as an actress...

2010-07-19T17:18:00.000-07:00

...do you go to an audition at FOX, and have to do a double take because everyone around you looks like they're from the 1940s, a caged lion is being driven by you with transpo, and elephants are walking around the lot.

Turns out they're filming "Water for Elephants" at the moment -- so thankfully I'm not seeing things. They were on lunch break so all the extras were walking around the lot in their old school wardrobe....and on their blackberries. Classic.

Looong day

2010-07-15T23:47:00.001-07:00

Woke up this morning at 7am to find an email from my agent (sent at 11pm the night before) for an audition for a recurring on an episodic...today. Problem was, I was set to film from 1pm til the cows came home on a different project. So, after some early morning scrambling, we decided I would go in to the CDs and they would put me on tape for the producers, who I wouldn't be able to see later in the day.

I get there, the clock is ticking, and no one is putting me on tape. They're shooting the shit, chatting about fav shows on the Food Network, and the entire time I'm thinking, "I have to go!!!" So finally I just said it...I became that girl who is so uninterested in her appointment that her laissez faire translates to a booking.

They wanted to find their girl today, but they think I'm great for the role and stalled a bit so that I can meet the producers tomorrow.

Kind of amazing. And a far stretch from the days at the beginning of my career when I would ask the chick at the front desk, "Um, hi....do you, um, know how much longer it'll be? I put change in the meter twice, and I thought I was next...," only to watch the eyes roll on this (let's be honest) summer intern, power tripping over the fact that they're running the front desk of a high brow casting agency. These were the same days when I didn't know things like that, and I also sprinted to my car if they asked if I brought a headshot and I happened to forget it -- now I just say, "Sorry, I don't." And if they mildly freak, I have my agent's assistant fax one over. Because none of it is as big a deal as you think it is at the beginning....if only someone had told me that.

Night and day, I tell you...

Keep you posted on tomorrow -- as for now, it's time for a nightcap, a snuggle, and some carrots and hummus.

I don't get it

2010-07-14T09:21:00.000-07:00

Why spend a fortune to get these two stars in this movie, and then not use their pictures in the ad? Makes zero sense to me. Any ideas?

Not being afraid

2010-07-14T08:49:00.001-07:00

I like this guy -- who dances every single day in front of this storefront on Robertson -- rain or shine, in his little black spandex workout gear, he grooves to his boombox with unbridled joy. Granted, he might be a little crazy, but he's certainly not afraid (of what people think, of how he looks, of any of it).

I envy this guy for that -- and lately I've checked my fear at the door a bit. My fearless week at a glance:

-I was with a group of girls a couple days ago, and one of the ladies felt she had carte blanche to be catty....for what reason, I don't know. Either way, as some girl passed by, this is what she said: "You should see her without makeup, she's hideous; she has these bug eyes, and she's so ugly." Awful, right? Who is that mean...besides Perez Hilton? I can firmly (and shamefully) say that in the past if someone would say something like that I would clam up. I would know it was wrong, but I would say nothing, because it was more important for me to be liked than to stand up for what was right. Not on this day -- I looked at her and said "That's just mean. I don't know that girl, and I don't want to be part of talking about her like that. It's unkind." It shut her up. And if felt great.

-The manager (of the manager-gone-awry- situation) called me. First on Friday, then again on Monday. This is what he said when we finally connected, "Please don't hate me, we're friends now. We're friends, and I wish things could have worked out but it's my partner, and please don't hate me. Call me when you need anything at all -- my door is always open to you -- for questions or if you need help getting in on a project. We're friends now. Seriously babe." OK -- now on the surface, maybe this sounds like an awesome guy, but it was way more layered than that. None of it made sense to me. And again, instead of sitting quietly and just being charmed that he even thought to call me, I spoke up: "No, I'm not 10. I don't hate you. But I do feel it was mishandled, because none of this makes sense. You said yes, your partner said yes, and then you guys waffled. I found your honesty so refreshing, and now it all feels really Hollywood and disingenuous." He piped in very quickly on that one, and it went back and forth until I just said I appreciated him calling. To which he replied, "Right? It's an awkward call but I made it. I made it for you babe. Aren't you proud of me?" I mean, do I even need to comment on this?

My point in all of this is that at a certain point - in our careers, in our lives - we must speak up. Do it with class, and do it when it's right, but do it. One of my first auditions ever for a big Universal film, I auditioned for a character that said one word: "Hi." I went into the producer session, and the director said, "Can you say hi?" I laughed and said, "I can, but I read the script and I really respond to the role of Kelly, and would love to read for that." I was fearless, and the director loved it. The role I asked about was cast to a name, but they wrote in two scenes for me. You simply cannot be afraid.

Sunday...not so funday

2010-07-11T16:43:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning with my eyes swollen shut. I looked like the monster from "The Goonies"...it was scary (and certainly scary looking), but in that working actress fashion, all that ran through my head was "Thank God I'm not shooting today."

How crazy is that? Yes, my wellness and recovery was a concern. The question of what triggered this allergic reaction was on the forefront, but at the core my biggest sigh of relief was that I didn't have a 6am calltime with my eyes looking like some other worldly monstrosity. And it wasn't just vanity -- for practicality's sake, there was no way i could have even driven...when I say swollen shut, I mean, 20% visibility.

So while the rest of you were watching the World Cup, I was passed out on Benadryl. Only to be awoken by my boyfriend bearing food from the Canter's Deli foodtruck.

Turkey on rye with deli mustard, a boyfriend who still thinks I look pretty when (clearly) I look frightening, and 24 hrs to knock this reaction before a wardrobe fitting. Somebody is in my corner, this much I know.

Thank God it's Friday

2010-07-09T17:38:00.000-07:00

After a full week of shooting the super covert film, it only got better when I found out today that I booked a national commercial.

I got the news over a sushi lunch with one of my actress friends (she's a booker, she books all the time) -- we were at Itzaka-ya by Katsuya....a super affordable, super delicious restaurant where the only drawback is that you have to lean in very close and whisper if you wanna talk about anyone in the industry (because everyone there knows someone or is someone). Obnoxious, yes. But the sushi is amazing, and the value even better.

So over our sake and crispy rice with spicy tuna lunch (my favorite!!), I am lamenting about what a tool that manager was who said he wanted to sign me and then changed his mind. I literally hadn't mentioned him since that whole thing happened last week, when I see I have a missed call. Who's the voicemail from? Him.

The silly bastard's ears were ringing.

I called my agent, and have decided that I won't call said manager back until Monday, because quite frankly....who cares? If he's groveling, doesn't matter, if he realized he made a mistake, doesn't matter -- if he just wants to apologize, it still really doesn't matter.

And perhaps that's my point -- and it's only something that has happened as I've become more seasoned --I know who I am. I am confident in what I can bring to the table, and I am the same actress now that I was a week ago when he got all wishy washy. That is the same belief I wish I had in myself at the very beginning (when, if we're being honest, I would have gone running back to his fair-weather arms).

So sayonara Mr. Hollywood....save all your bullshit for other potential clients.

And as for me -- Kampai! to an amazing weekend, and continued success...with or without d-bag managers.

Confidential

2010-07-06T15:54:00.000-07:00

Working on a film this week that's super fancy. So fancy, in fact, that I had to sign a confidentiality agreement about all content pertaining to it.

Wish I could say more, but I signed on the dotted line.

God bless America

2010-07-05T08:24:00.001-07:00

In the hustle bustle of the holiday weekend, I completely forgot to check the mail on Saturday. So yesterday I go outside and find a stack of envelopes in the mailbox. Nine to be exact. Nine envelopes from SAG.

A deluge of residual checks -- from ones that could buy me a pizza, and others that could finance a weekend away (or if we're being responsible, car payments and water bills).

Either way, it made me wanna jump up and sing Yankee Doodle Dandy, because despite the fact that Uncle Sam ate a large piece of each check, the surprise of seeing them in that mailbox made me the happiest little American.

Divorced

2010-07-04T09:50:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the delay in posts this week -- it's been a full one.

The largest turn of events is that my quintessential Hollywood marriage went sour faster than you can say prenup.

I mentioned in the last post that wedding bells were ringing with the new managers. Well...here's how it all played out:

Friday: met with one of the partners, who called my agent immediately after I left and said he was dying to sign me.

Monday: met with the other partner, who in the room told me he loved me and wanted to sign me.

Monday PM: get a call from my agent saying that they each called him individually (and blamed it on the other person), but said they were wavering about if they wanted to represent me. My agent said he didn't need to convince anyone to take me as a client (especially given that everyone else I met with was eager to sign me). But these guys said they were on the fence...feeling very unexcited about me being a client.

Ah hem. Then why tell me in the room that you want me? Why give me a whole song and dance about how important it is to mean what you say and not treat anyone in a manner that you wouldn't want your daughter to be treated ("because we have an extra sensitivity for women and how rough this industry can be," says the lying shmuck).

Here's what kills me most -- I bought it. I thought my gut had a propensity for telling me when someone was disingenuous -- but evidently not. Because I left those meetings saying "I love them. They are so honest, and it's so refreshing, and I feel energized."

So as quickly as my love affair began, it ended. Welcome to Hollywood.

Manager Meetings

2010-06-28T15:26:00.000-07:00

So here's how the manager meetings played out last week. I met with three companies -- some boutique, some larger, all high brow. I didn't want to meet with any more -- and I think that's important to remember when taking signing meetings....you don't want to dilute the process by meeting with ten companies. It's counterproductive. Overwhelming. Keep it as simple as possible. So here's the breakdown:

The first one was great -- fun, relaxed...the kind of people I could grab a drink with.

The second meeting was also relaxed, but a bit more official and kind of intimidating. I say this because they played it a lot cooler than the first ones and weren't acting like they were over the moon to sign me (though I later found out they called my agent 9 times after I met with them to express just how eager they were to make me a client). Holding their cards mighty close...

But in both of these something was missing -- I wanted to feel excited, inspired even. I wanted to find someone that wasn't just a buddy, or like-able (because remember, I really liked my old manager, but I like my friends too, and I don't pay them ten percent). I wanted someone who would be a game changer for me.

And in I walked to meeting number three, which literally blew my mind. The manager I spoke with was honest, completely forthcoming about his career highs and lows, and his plan for my career. He told me a coach he wanted me to see, the edits he wanted to do on my reel, the publicist he wanted me to work with. It was not all bells and whistles. It was the truth. Which I find to be a rare commodity in this town.

And in contrast to the other people who were lovely but told me what they thought I wanted to hear, I just fell in love with this company's realness.

It was that simple for me. You just know. Like dating. You know when you meet someone if it's right. Signing meetings are not much different -- my friend says it's like meeting someone once and deciding if you're going to marry them. It's a serious relationship, a contractual commitment, and a decision to dive right in for a future together. It's a leap of faith.

And I must say....wedding bells are ringing.

Only in LA

2010-06-27T17:26:00.001-07:00

Very Hollywood

2010-06-25T22:40:00.001-07:00

I'll admit -- it's been a very Hollywood week. Lots of auditions, several manager meetings, Twilight premiere, and tonight the daytime Emmys for the creative awards (which I was proud to be invited to, but snuck out of after the ceremony -- no party for me; I just wanted to come home and put on my jammies).

Here's what's so funny about this week -- years ago when I was first looking for representation or taking manager meetings, I remember how desperately I wanted to impress them -- what should I wear? what should I say? how should I sit? etc, etc...

It was never-ending...my thought process, I mean -- because the relationships with those managers...oh, those came to an end.

This week I had the pleasure (and crazy luxury) of only meeting with people who had reached out to my agent about their interest in me. No outgoing calls from my agent to managers. Not one. It was just a list of people who wanted to meet with me. Kind of amazing, and definitely felt very cool.

So I drove from Sunset to the Palisades to Culver City -- meetings across town to be woo'd, charmed and song and danced. I didn't want to meet every single person, and I didn't want to oversaturate the process with countless appointments -- so my agent put it best, he said: "The people you're seeing aren't vanilla, vanilla bean, and french vanilla. They are all very different -- you're either gonna like chocolate or you're gonna like strawberry. It's that simple."

And at least this week that is exactly how it felt -- simple...and delicious.

More to come tomorrow on how I made my decision on who to go with....

Hot & Cold

2010-06-22T17:59:00.000-07:00

This industry is crazy. It's hot and cold. It's we love you/you're fired.

You just never know, and as I continue to say you simply cannot take it personally.

Point in case: today. I had two kind of major auditions. One was a lead in a big old studio film with the director from "Wedding Crashers," the other for a series reg on a new CBS show.

Audition #1: "Holy Shit, your comedy timing is perfection. You are genius. Thank you so so so much for coming in. You're just...wow."

Ego inflated, I go to the next audition:

Audition #2: "Good." (Next scene) "Good." (Next scene) "Good."

After years of auditioning, I have learned that "good" and "great" from the CD are synonymous with a baby gurgling babble. It gets them through the day. It's just part of the motions.

What I've also learned after years of auditioning is that often times the reads that you feel you nailed, the ones where they sing your praises and tell you how awesome you are not usually the ones you book. The ones where they seemingly don't give a shit -- those you book. Or at least I seem to. Which only further validates the idea that truly -- it is not personal. Because let's be honest, I put the same amount of prep into both auditions, I have the same amount of training, I looked the same, and I was confident and calm. You do your best, and walk away...because just as with today, you can't control anyone's reaction to your audition. Neither the "yay"s nor the "meh"s.

The beat goes on -- two manager meetings tomorrow, followed by two more on Thursday and then the "Twilight" premiere.

I like busy and full weeks, and this is certainly one of them.

Audition mania

2010-06-21T09:08:00.000-07:00

Back from NY and starting the week off with a very full plate. Two auditions today (series regs), two auditions tomorrow (lead in a big fancy movie, another series reg), and many meetings with potential managers.

It's amazing that when there's no longer a lull in my schedule that my fixation with selling out, doing soaps, and having babies dwindles.

This week it is all about keeping my eyes on the prize....

More to come...

The multitalented

2010-06-17T18:02:00.001-07:00

I am always happy for my actor friends when they book. Hooray, I say! Because it's a shared success; we cry together, we celebrate together, and God knows we run lines together. And then when you have actor friends who are also amazing at other things (singing, poetry, writing, etc) it just makes me look at them like they are basking in the light of creative genius.

My friend, Janina Gavankar, is one of those people. Talented, fearless, gorgeous, and badass. You may recognize her from "The L Word," or the new ABC show called "The Gates," which premieres this Sunday on ABC. Either way, if you don't know her now, you'll know her soon. I am proud of her, and wanted to share the joy of her success.

Enjoy her new music video.

Bicoastal working actress

2010-06-16T06:46:00.000-07:00

I'm in NY right now. Why does it always seem to be gloomy weather when I'm here? Wish I had an answer for that.

Despite the overcast in the sky, I must say that things are looking mighty good. I booked that fancy film I mentioned the other day and start shooting that in a couple weeks, and next week I have an audition for a great new series regular on a show that actually (or ironically) shoots in good old NYC.

Also, we've decided (and by that I don't mean the royal "we"...my agent and I thought long and hard on this one) that it's time to start taking manager meetings.

A few years ago I was in the same boat. Well...kind of. I had left a hoity toity management company and was seeking out new representation. I didn't have nearly as much on my resume as I do now, but I still knew that I deserved better. The fancy letterhead on my headshots only got me so far. If I couldn't get the freaking woman to pick up the phone because she was too busy with ANYTHING other than me, it just didn't seem right. So I left.

Now here we are again -- it's been a couple months since I left my most recent manager. I explained to my agent that this is what I'm looking for now:

-someone who hustles
-someone who can bring more to the table and create better opportunities
-someone who has a shorthand with my agent (because it's always better if everyone in your team works well together and has a rapport)
-someone who has something to prove

And I firmly believe that no matter what level you're at, those are the things you need in representation. It's almost better when their roster is not stacked with A-listers -- because they can make YOU their star. They need to make you their star. To keep their job, to get a bonus, to earn some clout. Whether they're at a big or small company, if they're hungry and believe in you, and have enough charm and moxy to make the right calls/connections -- you're golden.

The search begins next week. I'll keep you posted.

Comedy Actress Roundtable

2010-06-13T08:39:00.000-07:00

Another great roundtable.

Some pearls of wisdom in this one (as well as some stuff that irked me) but hey, take the good and leave the rest.

One quote I especially like:

"An actor is somebody who has a big enough ego that they're willing to go out in front of a bunch of people, but also be vulnerable (enough) to fail in front of people. It's this very weird dichotomy..."

(And so true).

I'm the best one for this part. There's no one better for this part.

2010-06-11T16:55:00.001-07:00

I say this to myself sometimes. Along with my other random mantras. Because let's be honest -- the process of auditioning is filled with self-doubt, so I pump myself up. Like wrestlers before a fight, like guys doing push ups before they go to a club at the Jersey Shore. It's how I put my game face on.

Today I get to my director session at the Culver Studios lot (which I always love going to because they filmed "Gone with the Wind" there and it feels iconic and charming, and makes me what to twirl and say "fiddle-dee-dee"). I get to the guard gate and they tell me that I have an assigned parking spot for the day. "Oh, so don't drive into the structure...?" I ask...because....well, that's odd.

Here's why: When I first started acting I only got "walk-on"s and had to park on the street. Then I would get "drive-on"s in the parking structure of the lot.....but now they're saying I have my own actual spot....IN FRONT OF THE AUDITION ROOM. My brain can't even process this....you mean I don't have to keep my heels in my purse, walk across the lot in flip flops, and slip my heels on before the read? No. You mean I don't have to worry about quarters in a meter? No.

So I park in my fancy little spot, and walk two feet to the audition to find four other actors. Four other very established actors that I individually praise for their amazing bodies of work. We're talking Emmy winners.

I am surrounded by seasoned awesome stars. And we are all drastically different. White man in his 40s, pregnant woman in her 40s, man in a wheelchair, black man in his 40s. And me.

This is when I realize we are all the only choices for our respective roles. There's no one around me that looks like me, or is dressed like me (in the requisite jeans and black tank...or blazer for a lawyer role). There's no one on the sign in sheet with a fancier agent...because there IS NO sign-in sheet. They know all of us there. We all get hugs. We all get gushed over.

This is when my smile just gets massive and I sit there and take it all in and realize, "I am my only competition."

And as much as I may have said to myself, "I'm the best one for this part. There's no one better for this part," in this moment what makes me want to cry is that someone else agrees. Casting agrees, the producers agree. They only want to see me for this big huge movie.

And I can't begin to tell you how validating/weight-off-my-shoulders-good that feels. Because I have worked my ass off, and finally, FINALLY, it feels like it is paying off.

My point in all of this is that today was filled with revelations:

-hard work pays off
-established actors run lines to themselves, prepare, dress casually, are relaxed and friendly

BUT MOSTLY.....
-you are ALWAYS your only competition. Because yes, there may be a bigger name, or yes, you may not book this role, but by leaving a good impression, giving a kick ass read, being charming and like-able in the room...THAT is what books. Maybe not today, but soon.

Very very soon.

And then you get your own parking spot.
Holy. Shit.

Actor friends

2010-06-08T17:41:00.001-07:00

I have never had a ton of actor friends -- a handful, yes. A plethora, no. But that handful has always been to run lines with, text, and commiserate over bookings, shitty auditions, or failed pilots.

I used to have a best friend who was an actress. We met doing a showcase, and she was my lifeline...saw each other every day, ate most meals together, guarded each others' secrets. And then one day, the evil little monster called jealousy reared its head when we both went out for the same audition and I went farther on it. That was it. She severed our friendship. And it crushed me.

From that point, I guess I've been guarded about having actress friends. It feels like we're setting ourselves up for a failed friendship.

This was 4 years ago. Fast forward to present. Where this week I am hanging out with tons of other "working actresses." Today lunch with one that I worked with on my last film. In two days, wine and cheese with 2 girls I've known for years (one that I went to college with, the other that I see at auditions all the time). Dodger game with one on Saturday, coffee with another one on Friday.

And I gotta tell you...it feels so good. To share the success of one's pilot getting picked up, to laugh over a glass of wine mid-afternoon and the absurdity that we can actually do that on a Tuesday afternoon. To have some support. To talk to people who 100% get it. To feel like you're not alone in this often time vacant process.

So while I stress the importance of having a core group of friends who are NOT in the industry (to keep you grounded, to remind you what reality is like, to not make your life all about acting), I feel very grateful this week to also embrace these gals. The actress gals. These chicks, who like me, have fought the good fight -- and keep on trucking, and booking, powering through....and clinking glasses here and there.

Can you feel the girl power?

Ego-boosting auditions

2010-06-04T16:56:00.000-07:00

Some days, the audition Gods are on your side. Like today.

I was reading for a new FOX for FOX show (meaning FOX studio is producing it for FOX network) with Speilberg and Chernin are EP'ing it. I mean......maaaaay-jaaaaah.

So major that there are 15 pages of sides, including all of these battles with dinosaurs that are happening in a prehistoric/post apocalyptic world of time travel. I wish I was kidding -- those are the toughest auditions. And by that I mean anything with action, much less with dinosaur-like creatures attacking you.

But I made up my mind to just go for it. To have fun, and shoot the shit out of these invisible dinosaurs, and scream when my comrades are being eaten alive, and commit to creating the reality of this epic event in this little audition room with this little chair.

Afterall, this CD cast "The Pacific," so I'm sure she had her share of auditions reenacting Guadalcanal, and watching actors either going for it, or half ass it because (let's be honest) it feels a little silly to pretend your hand is a gun.....unless you're 5.

Fast forward to my audition -- I go in, and bomb the first scene. She doesn't cut. She keeps rolling as I ask to do it again....and continues to roll through ALL 15 pages of 6 scenes. This I was not prepared for, but I went with it.

Two scenes down and we get to my battle scene. I'm screaming and sweating and tearing up, and feeling like such a bad ass....and then as the camera continues to roll and I'm glancing down for my next scene, Cami says, "That was great. Really great. That is not easy to do."

And I swear to God, in that moment, standing there with sweaty boobs and runny makeup, I felt like a winner. Because whether I book this or not, I made a fan. And that's the point -- as I've said before -- it's NEVER about THAT specific audition. It's always about the bigger picture, and making fans out of producers or CDs who will remember you and bring you in for more. For better.

Today I impressed the unimpressable, and for me, that feels so f-ing good.

Maaaaay-jaaaah.

When traveling...

2010-06-03T16:02:00.001-07:00

...and a customs or security person asks you the purpose of your trip, as true as it may be, never ever say, "I'm here to shoot a pilot."

They won't get it...
And they'll probably arrest you...

Back to the grind

2010-06-03T15:54:00.001-07:00

So today I go in for this big New Line Cinema film. Big big comedy.

The casting directors are the same women who had me fly back early from London to test for a pilot; the one I didn't book.

Now the last time I saw them, I came directly from customs at LAX and took a cab straight to FOX after an 11 hour flight and insane jetlag. This time I was fresh, awake, polished (if you will).

So much so that when she saw me in the waiting room she asked me what my name was. I told her, and she was like "Holy shit! Hi honey!! Hi!! You look great! I'm so sorry. Of course!" This was all coupled with hugs and smiles.

She then went on to tell me that she didn't recognize me because the last time she saw me I "looked like shit." She laughs as she says this, half joking(ish)....I meanwhile think to myself, "well nice to see you too....&*%$#"

Classic. Talk about rolling with the punches and still focusing on your audition.

I better book this part. That's all I have to say.

Being in your head....

2010-06-01T17:22:00.000-07:00

So last week, when I threw out the idea of getting into soaps, my NY agent responded with an email that said: "I don't know how to respond to that. That's not what we do here. Very confused."

I attempted to explain that I was thinking out loud, and when things are slower I start to think out of the box, etc. No response.

The next day I receive at email from my LA agent with an audition. At the top of the email he writes: "Certainly better than a soap."

Grrrr....and then this follows:

Project: Craig Kilborn Syndicated Show (FOX)

Role: “Co-Host”
Seeking actress for co-host. Mid 20s-30s. Open to all ethnicities ! Beautiful, classy, dynamic & VERY smart ! Oh, and must have a GREAT sense of humor...

NOTE: This is a syndicated talk show that 20th's syndication arm has cleared in 7 markets (LA, NY, Phoenix, Detroit, etc.) already for this summer. Craig is attached to host. There will be panel and interview segments. They see this for the 7-8pm slot rather than late night...
____________________________________________________

Hosting?!?! This is where I start to panic. By planting the seed of the soap, did I now make them think I'm not serious about acting? That suddenly I have chosen to sellout and go be a host?

I am so completely in my head that I begin calling both my agents and shooting them emails. I'm frantic. They think I'm selling out, they now think I should just be a host. They don't take me seriously. How will I ever book legitimate high brow work again if I'm off interviewing people?? Again, this is all in my head.

So I pass on the audition. (Because "Ha! That'll show them.")

I get a call the next morning from my LA agent. He explains that I was not submitted for this, they didn't work to get me the appointment. The casting director (who had put me in a pilot and other projects) called my agency and asked if I would be interested. This was an incoming appointment. An opportunity on the plate if I wanted to take it. It had nothing to do with the "soap talk," and there was no pressure to take the audition.

(........Oh.)

I was kind of flabbergasted. In my head I thought I had it all figured out. That my agency thought I was selling out and that I now wanted to do anything, like a little cash cow.

Not so much.

I still ended up passing. It's not where I want to go (yet)...and in all honesty, nor is the world of soaps. I've worked so hard to get where I am that I can tough this out a bit longer.

Re: the soaps and hosting...ask me in a few years.

Crazy commercial world

2010-05-31T08:09:00.001-07:00

Last week after my agency response to the thought of me doing soaps was a resounding "NO," I decided to take a commercial casting from my commercial agency; they call with them often, but there are few spots that I can actually do that my entire team will be ok with (i.e., they have to be talky, actory spots...no douche products, nothing where I seem like an extra, no preparation H, etc).

This spot made the cut...barely. For "Old Navy," for a girl with a nice butt. Character name "Booty Girl." I omitted that info to my theatrical agent.

I get to the commercial audition, and am signing in, when I turn to my side and see a little guy whose head comes up to my waist. And by little guy, I mean a proper man who was incredibly short. I say "hi," turn to go sit down, and realize that he is not vertically challenged, but rather a man crawling around with long stilts attached to his legs.

I look again (because this is bizarre, and it took me a second to process what I was seeing), and see a few more stilted actors (I mean actors on stilts) practicing their crazy long legged kicks before they go in for some audition.

The casting director comes out and calls my name.

"Did you bring your stilts?" he asks.
"No, I don't have stilts. I'm here for the other spot," I say.
"Which one?" he asks.

"Booty Girl."

(I mean really......and doing soaps are "beneath me"?)

:::::::sigh:::::::

Actor Roundtable

2010-05-27T22:17:00.001-07:00

Another must read from THR. A great discussion about the politics and play of our industry as told by a pretty awesome group of actors.

Enjoy.

Actress roundtable

2010-05-26T21:45:00.000-07:00

This article from the Hollywood reporter is a must read -- a glimpse into the world of working actors....candid, honest, and revelatory. The grass is not always greener, but it certainly is fascinating.

I'll post the one with the fellas tomorrow.

To soap or not to soap

2010-05-25T15:40:00.000-07:00

And by soap, I mean the world of daytime television. The world of soap operas.

In the 80s, they were a launching pad for young actors (the Julianne Moores', Jennifer Anistons', Demi Moores' of the world). Then things changed, and soaps were no longer the breeding ground for young talent, but rather the golden handcuffs for them.

Rarely did you see anyone in recent years leave a soap, and take the TV and film world by storm. They stayed on a soap, made great money, and even though some actors attempted to leave, most came crawling right back to their role on a soap. Because even if you were killed off, a soap could bring you back from the dead -- literally.

For those reasons, soaps have never been on my radar. Or my agent's for that matter. They scoff at them. Say it's cheesy, etc. And I never get submitted for them or audition for them.

When you're a young actress in your early 20s, I get it. If you're on a soap for that early 20s block, you're missing an opportunity to introduce yourself to the town while you're at your prime....to do some pilots, make fans at a network and studio level, and set the foundation for booking bigger roles in the years to come. It's an important (and small) window of time. Because sad but true -- the shelf life for actresses is pretty short.

Which brings me to my new thought -- would I consider getting into the world of soaps? Of crazy memorization, and melodramatic storylines coupled with consistency.

That glorious consistency that as actors takes the roller coaster out of the equation. To wake up every morning and go to work. To get into your very layered character (or in the case of soaps, very very very layered character), and work your craft, while being able to worry less and play more.

Calling my agent to discuss this very fact, because I gotta say -- as shocking as my agent and the town will find it, I am kind of loving this idea.

What other people think of you.....

2010-05-21T16:55:00.001-07:00

Is none of your business.

It took me a while to wrap my head around this one, because like most actors, I'm a people pleaser -- seeking validation, wanting everyone to like me....and more often than not, caring what other people think of me.

And that's when a friend said to me: "What other people think of you is none of your business. It doesn't concern you, and so long as you are secure with who you are, and the people who love you, then why care what other people think? Why buy into it?"

And to be honest, a lot of people say that the second you free yourself from caring about what others think of you (or at least what you think they think of you), that's when success just falls into place. You're fearless in auditions, you're confident with your choices, you're happy with or without work, and you're not in your head second guessing yourself.

Here's what's funny -- a few years ago when an acting coach suggested I read Who Moved My Cheese, I kid you not, things picked up in a huge way. Maybe because I was open to change, or not scared of career lulls, or less preoccupied with what I wore to each freaking audition...but I became a little booking machine.

And maybe that really is the secret...because it does seem like the actors who are relaxed and don't seem to care whether they book the job or not are the ones that book. And yes, it's easy to say now, while I'm working...but this was a mindset change that happened when I was hostessing at a restaurant, and worrying when my next check would come, and having people cover my shifts so I could stay for a callback. When my car would barely start in the morning, and I would cry looking at my little apartment and dwindling checking account balance, but I just knew something would change. It had to. And I read that book, and faked it til I made it.

Now granted I still have minor pity parties, and ebb and flow through the process (how could one not?), but I will say the largest shift in my career always happens when I stop stressing and start having fun.

Bring that energy into the room, and you will work.

Thick skin

2010-05-19T08:28:00.000-07:00

You have to have a thick skin in this industry. Everyone says it. Why? Because it's resoundingly true.

Now I think that I happen to have a very thick skin; a propensity for bouncing back after I've been teased by the powers that be, for wiping myself off after my pilot didn't get picked up (or my scenes were cut, or the arc for my character was trashed, or I just felt flat out defeated, rejected, embarrassed). I think, all things considered, I have been through the ringer and powered through like the thick skin mascot.

Then I heard about an actor who booked one of the leads on the HBO miniseries, "The Pacific." He auditioned and tested for close to eight months. They asked him to lose 20 pounds. He did. They told him to do research. He did. He devoted his life to booking this role, to being ready, to embracing the magnitude of how this role could change his life.

He got the job. He rearranged his life, was flown to Australia (where the show was shot), and prepared for this game-changing career moment.

What he didn't prepare for was the knock on his hotel room door saying that he had been recast. No call from producers. No explanation. No scenes ever shot. Just a ticket back to LA.

I have to be honest, I think that would break me. I don't know how I could rebound from that. And God bless him for powering through. That guy is still out there hustling. I'm still blown away -- not that that happened (because the injustices in this industry are plentiful) but that he picked himself up and moved on.

Amazing.

Upfronts

2010-05-18T18:18:00.000-07:00

Well...it's that time of year. Upfronts.

The few weeks in May when the networks announce their pilot picks ups, and season line ups. The weeks that drive me to drink.

When I booked my first pilot a few years ago, and was hugely into "The Secret" and Laws of Attraction, I had deluded myself into only seeing one reality. The reality of my show getting picked up and having a long successful run, and years of syndication. How could that not happen? I had written that very thing on pieces of paper, and envisioned it so hard that it was the only possibility. In my head, that is.

So when I got the call that we weren't getting picked up, it was like someone knocked the wind out of me. Like you were telling a kid that Santa Clause didn't exist. I had not prepared for the possibility of...well, reality.

And each year thereafter I promised I would take these pilots I booked with a grain of salt. Enjoy the process, not stress about whether they got picked up. Take the money, make a few friends, and let go of the rest. And in all honesty, I've done pretty good with this.

Fast forward to present. Where the two pilots I tested for (but did not book) were both picked up. I don't know why this hurts more than my own pilot not getting picked up. But it does.

It stings a bit more.

But you know what? The beat goes on. There is more work to be booked, more roles to be had, and more opportunities to come. And a little splash of pinot grigio never hurt anybody.

Finding culture in LA

2010-05-15T23:32:00.000-07:00

So as opposed to a typical Saturday night of dinner party with friends... OR.... dinner + movie ... OR ...dinner + couch + wine + tivo.....

Tonight became a night of dinner + THEATER.
Theater in LA? Yes, in LA. (My bestie in NY is currently shuddering as she reads this, I know.)

So anyhow, some friends and I went to see a play...to be sophisticates, and to transcend the dull and "culturally devoid" bubble that most people describe this city to be. No cheesy TV or film for us this Saturday night. Oh no, we are way too chic for that. We are classy ladies, in search of culture.

So we walk in, and I look up at the board of cast members. "Wait a minute," I say, " I know that girl. I know the lead." I scramble to figure it out, and then I realize. She's the chick I saw at the commercial callback on Friday. Oh, and the guy in the baseball cap two seats down: he's on "Mad Men." And that guy in the front row with the pretty girl...yep, he's on "Entourage." And the man who came in late, and only smiled twice during the entire show -- one of the biggest TV casting directors I know.

Welcome to LA. I guess you can never really escape the bubble.

The silver lining however is: culture exists in this town, and people want to see it, AND if you want to network, go see some plays.

That's a wrap

2010-05-14T09:40:00.000-07:00

And finally last night, after weeks of hard work and night shoots.....that's a wrap.

A moment to breathe and take it all in? Not even.

Back to the grind and off to an audition today...

Love this

2010-05-08T15:28:00.000-07:00

If I knew then what I know now....

2010-05-06T22:21:00.000-07:00

Many of you ask me what hustling is. I think it's different for everyone. But what I can pinpoint is what I would have done differently at the beginning of my career, had I known it would all turn out ok...and honestly, even if it didn't turn out ok (these do's and dont's would have made the journey a hell of a lot easier).

If I knew then what I know now:

I would have enjoyed the process more

I would have always looked "camera ready" instead of eating out of self-pity, and then desperately trying to lose a few pounds when I booked a job

I would not have looked at the sign-in sheet at auditions to see who signed in before me and what agency they were at

I would have remembered that casting directors are just people too

I would have filled my life with more than just acting so that when it felt empty, my life would still feel full

I would have been kinder to myself

I would have taken a class on memorization right out the gate

I would have remembered that every show has a wardrobe department and that I didn't need to dress like a lawyer to be cast as a lawyer

I would have passed on auditions that I didn't want to do (without fear of my agent dropping me)

I would have drilled into my head that no matter what happens, it's not personal

I would have always made sure my gas tank was full en route to auditions so that I didn't have to keep calling AAA

I would have gone to networking events

I would have bought an amazing blowdryer and saved money on all of those "I have to look amazing for this audition" blowouts (note: And I wonder where the gas money went...)

I would not have cried when I didn't book a part, and trusted that there truly would be more

I would not have cried when my part was cut, or my role was cut...and trusted that there truly would be more

I would have laughed more, relaxed more, enjoyed it more, and complained less

I would have journaled every single day

I would have ________________________. (you fill in the blank)

Night Shoots

2010-05-05T12:33:00.000-07:00

Night shoots, bloody night shoots. Oh, how I hate you so....
You ruin my day, in every way. You suck, you're lame, you blow...

I suppose it's safe to say that (clearly) I am not a fan of night shoots. They are miserable. Contrary to popular belief, it's not just shooting a couple scenes after dark -- it's when your calltime is anytime in the dank dark night and you're shooting during fringe hours (ie, 10pm-10am), or in my case (the past few days) 1:00am in hair & makeup, and a 2am call for set. Then driving home at say 10am. It's not pretty.

Here's the problem -- crew, cast, everyone gets cranky. And hungry. And punchy.

I watched the progression of a guy who was cast as an under five. Charming, so "on," laughing, thrilled to be there at 4am on set, just raring to deliver these 3 lines. He was all smiles. He introduced himself with his full name and a firm handshake, like he had a headshot and resume in his back pocket.

It was refreshing....inspiring, even. He made me feel like a jaded old actress who forgot what it was like to be excited just to be working -- no matter what hour it was. I looked at him and tried to remind myself to be just as excited to be there (at 4am), to not care that the coffee was stale (at 4am), or that the weather was cold (at 4am), or that it was..... (ah hem) 4am.

Fast forward 3 hours, and he was just like the rest of us. Ready to go home. No more Mr. Sunshine. He was just another person who was exhausted with his job.

And that's what I find to be so interesting -- when all is said and done, it really is a job. It's work. And to keep your scenes fresh at 6am when you're powering through on sludgy coffee and a prayer, only to get home, nap, and do it all again...it doesn't take away from how cool our job is, but that, my friends, is a hustle.

Happy 10,000 hits!

2010-05-05T11:24:00.001-07:00

A few months ago I remembered geeking out when this blog had 100 hits. I called my boyfriend over to look at the counter on the screen: "100 hits!! Look, look!," I kept screaming, "We have to celebrate! It's so cool!"

He smiled and said I should wait until the blog hit 10,000 hits before I celebrated. At the time I thought this was the largest buzzkill. How would it ever get 10,000 hits? And if it did (or when it did rather) it would undoubtedly take FOR-EV-ERRR (say that like the kid in "The Sandlot").

What I didn't get at the time was that he wasn't trying to rain on my parade; he saw the potential in this blog, in me, in the shared understanding of what it feels like to hustle. He knew 100 hits was just the beginning. And now, 4 months later -- here we are at 10,000 hits.

So cheers to the little engine that could! You keep reading, I'll keep writing.

THAT girl

2010-04-30T15:40:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I became "that girl." Not an "It" girl. "That" girl. Let me explain.

When I first began acting, I would get into auditions that had actresses who were far more seasoned than I was. Maybe it was a favor to may agent, maybe it was the CD's mitzvah for the day...no idea, but somehow I was given some great opportunities while having nothing on my resume to substantiate giving me a shot. I would sit so meekly in the waiting room, watching some of the other actresses hug the CD, chat, be in the room for tens of minutes longer than anyone else was. And when THAT girl would walk out, I remember feeling so envious. Jealous, even. She was comfortable, relaxed, chummy with the people in the room. And there I was -- green, nervous, and awkward.

So yesterday, when I wrapped my scenes for the film, I raced across town to get to an audition. There are already five girls in the waiting room, and a few piled in after I had arrived. I sign in, catch my breath, and glance at the sides which I had just gotten.

It was at a casting office that has dreadfully thin walls so you can hear EVERYTHING that happens in each girl's audition. We all listened -- some pretending to check their blackberries, some rolling their eyes or giggling about the actress's delivery of a line, others reapplying lip gloss like it was going out of style. But the one common thread of each of the auditions preceding me was this: "Hi, nice to meet you. Thanks for coming in."

Like clockwork, every 3 minutes, a new actress would go into the room, and that's what you would hear from the casting director's voice. "Hi, nice to meet you."

The associate comes out and tells me it's my turn, and I almost cringed when these words came flowing out of the CD's mouth: "Ahhhh!!! Honey!!! Thank you so so much for coming in! You look great, what are you shooting right now? When do you wrap? Will you be avail to shoot this? Oh great!" Etc, etc, for about 10 minutes.

I felt like shit. It was bittersweet. Because I KNOW how much I would have hated hearing that through those thin doors. How much it would have psyched me out, how I would have become a defeatist and just said to myself, "there's not enough lipgloss in the world, or enough time to run these lines, or anything at all that I can do to book this part over her." I would have hated her. I would have hated me.

Anyway, once I got over my paranoia of being loathed by the girls in the waiting room, I became that cool, relaxed, comfortable actress that I had envied for so long. The one who doesn't check her makeup before she goes in, and laughs when she drops her cue in the audition, and just asks to start over w/o feeling thrown.

And despite the daggers being thrown at me as I left the audition, I felt really grateful. Grateful that I wasn't in my head anymore, or comparing myself to other actors as I had been in the past --and that after all of these years of hustle....that I realized that THAT girl wasn't so bad afterall.

Indie Awesomeness

2010-04-29T19:40:00.000-07:00

I gotta tell ya. I'm kind of majorly loving working on this film. Who knew? It has been such a new and fun experience for me to work on something indie, and to be able to play and improv and use all this on set experience (that I've had with past directors) to really woo this current director.

He pulled me aside today and said, "I don't wanna kiss your ass, but I'm gonna be so sad when we wrap your scenes. You bring such great energy to set, and everything you experiment with, and play with....those risks are always wins."

It just felt (feels) so affirming. Especially when I remember so very vividly my first SAG job that I was Taft Hartley'd for....the job for CBS as a co-star where I felt like a human prop. Where my opinion, my "choices," all my training and funny within was so stifled. Where I spent more time freaking out before the take, desperately trying to remember those two lines, rather than taking a deep breath, taking it all in, and just relishing my time on set. The panic was clear on my face as the camera quickly pushed past me, and yet it still ended up on my reel. Because at that time, that's all I had to show.

Now I relish my time on set.

I relish, and swim in it, and play, and enjoy myself like I wish I always had. And that's so easy to say NOW. Because, let's be honest...things are very very different now compared to what it was like a few years ago.

Five years ago, it wasn't my place to have a little tete-a-tete with the director, or tell the hair dept that I didn't want them to put allll that heat on my hair, or that I would prefer to not have my trailer by the port-a-potties because....well, it was stinky; I wasn't booking parts that required great thought, or that enabled me to feel like I could speak up.

It would be as if you are cast as a pizza delivery boy. They don't need to know your motivation. No one on set cares. Just deliver the damn pizza. And as demeaning as that may feel, or as contrary to all the work you do in class, or what you're taught as you're getting your degree as a theater major... it's just part of it. It's part of paying your dues. And thank God -- thank thank God, that there seriously is a light at the end of the tunnel that says to you..."Now you can play."

What I've learned in this industry....

2010-04-28T19:07:00.000-07:00

"....always behave like a duck - keep calm and unruffled on the surface, but paddle like the devil underneath..."
(J.Braude)

InsideActing Podcast

2010-04-27T09:11:00.000-07:00

It's funny to navigate this new world as the anonymous version of myself VS the real me. Example: in the past couple months, the "real me" has done a couple interviews to promote films and upcoming projects, while my "anonymous blogger self" has done just that....stayed anonymous and blogged.

Until about a month ago, when I was asked by the fine young people at InsideActing Podcast to give an interview. I obviously couldn't sit down with them, or even have them hear my voice and do it via phone. I couldn't have my representation go through the list of what they can and cannot ask me because even they don't know this blog exists.

It was just me, chatting with them -- candidly, and anonymously.

I tried to say things that I haven't shared on this blog, so that you guys would find it new and (hopefully interesting) as well. And I didn't censor or edit myself, which as my "real self" is generally a part of the PR game that must be played to appease networks and studios.

Hope you enjoy the interview: http://www.insideactingpodcast.com/2010/04/episode-20-working-actress.html

CONTEST Winner

2010-04-26T11:33:00.000-07:00

Thanks for all of the submissions. I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of them (both in the "comments" section as requested, and from the little rule breakers who emailed them directly). While they were all entertaining (some sad, some funny, others that in the grand scheme of things are not a big deal), there was one that I had to read, and reread....and reread yet again, just to wrap my head around how insane it was.

With that said, the winner is from someone named EttusJ. She was one of the many rule breakers, (who trust me, I considered disqualifying for not posting her story in the comment section of the blog, but ya know what -- after reading this story, it just didn't matter). Ettus will receive a $25 gift card to Cheesecake Factory and a copy of my favorite industry film, "The TV Set."

With her permission to publish, I present the winning story for the first annual Working Actress Contest. Brace yourselves, it's a classic:

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

"I have been pursuing acting for years, and have always been really big into networking because my acting teacher said that that's half of making it in the industry. Whenever I met a producer, casting director, sound guy, or anyone else in the industry I always kept in touch by sending emails to check in, or letting them know if I was working on a play or auditioning for something they may have some connection to. I'd also grab a lunch here or there with some of them, but it was always about business, and very professional. One day I shot an email to this producer to see if he knew anyone on this project I was trying to audition for. The next day I got an email from an email address I didn't recognize. It was from his personal email address, and this is what he said-

May, 2007

Best use this email address. Not the production one. How's it going? You sound good and happy. How do you know Beth? I've known her for twenty five years. Old friend of my wife's. Also I know her sister who sings so good, but I'm afraid something slipped.

What's going on? What all is happening. Auditions? Sleeping with anybody? Horney? I am for you.

What else? Spring's Awakening is I think a sure Tony winner. Been to LA?

All's well here. Thanks for attaching that article. Wish we were in it. . A lot of work. Glad you thought of me. You should! xo

I never responded, but to this day just reading it makes me laugh and feel dirty at the same time."

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Hahahahahahahaha. I think this is just fantastic. Perverse, hilarious, and thankfully something I've never had to deal with in the industry. EttusJ -- thanks for sharing. Enjoy your prizes -- they are so well deserved.

Everybody hustles

2010-04-26T09:27:00.000-07:00

A week or so ago, before I started shooting the indie, and still had some semblance of a life and free time, I was reading an article in C Magazine. (It's all about California living, and often has great articles about actors...and hey, it was in the waiting room before an appointment, so why not?).

I flip through and begin to skim an article about Ellen Pompeo (of Grey's anatomy fame)...this is what catches my eye:

[Her first big break came in 2002, after she moved to Los Angeles, when she was cast in Jake Gyllenhaal's love interest in 'Moonlight Mile.' But after playing small roles in a half-dozen movies after that (including 'Daredevil' with Ben Affleck and 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind'), only to have her entire performance spliced out of nearly all of them, she found her way to a smallish part in a giant movie, 'Old School', and eventually to a screen test for a drama called 'Secret Service.'

"Apparently ABC wasn't buying me as the head of the Secret Service," she says, with what appears to be a typical deadpan. "But I guess they must have liked me in the test, because that's how I got 'Greys.'"]

You can probably guess what resonates in this for me:

A- if you get cut from a project you've done, it doesn't mean that you're bad, or that you'll never work again. It's not personal, and the beat goes on.
B- (and I've said this before), when you go in for an audition, it's NEVER about THAT job. You may be completely wrong for it, but if you're good, it can easily beget more work...and in her case, a show that goes on to be megahit for several seasons, VS a pilot that no one remembers ever existed.

Indie indie bo bindie

2010-04-23T08:27:00.000-07:00

Here's an update on how the shoot's going:

1. My indie BFF quit (thankfully having nothing to do with me, as I never told her about our little coincidence). But still, she quit. Ummmm, yeah.....

2. I'm getting terribly sick and desperately need to shake it.

3. My other costar is a gem. Thank God.

4. And this brings me to my largest point: acting is work. Which, yes...we get. But I think it's so easy to forget what hard work it is when we're NOT working. Because when you're at home, and you want to book something so badly, you forget about 12 hr days with no respite. You forget about the the massive amounts of memorization, the struggle to keep scenes feeling fresh even after doing them 20 times (for the master shot, and each person's coverage). You forget about butting heads with a director. Which by the way, has happened to me (like when I booked one of my first pilots, and the director wanted me to do a scene where I'm in the pool in a bikini EVEN THOUGH IT WAS HAILING OUTSIDE). That was a long day on set. Anyhow, I digress...as I've said before -- yes I know that as actors we're not coalminers, or ER doctors, or even cameramen who are working those same hours but lugging heavy equipment. I know. Trust me, I know. But it's so easy to look at actors from the outside and say it's the easiest job in the world. And it's just not. Fun, awesome, great -yes. Easy, no.

Off to set...

CONTEST reminder

2010-04-21T21:45:00.000-07:00

Only one more day to get your stories in for the CONTEST...

I'll update you guys on how the film is going tomorrow...all I can say is: Wow.

Make what you want of that one....

Indie BFF

2010-04-20T15:48:00.000-07:00

I get a text this morning from the girl who'll be playing my best friend in the indie. It's adorable, endearing, lovely -- to the tune of, "hey new onscreen BFF, wanna run lines tonight?"

Off to a great start. Such a doll.

Now here's the killer, and probably something that she doesn't know -- last spring, I was testing for a series regular on a long running show. I went in 5 times, until the producers were so certain they only wanted me for this role that they didn't test anyone opposite me (meaning, zero competition at the test - I was the only option they were giving the network and studio). I went to the studio test, and they gave me big thumbs up. And then on the the network test....here's where the fun begins.

The network exec was out of town, so they did a "tape test" (meaning, I didn't have to endure the roomful of suits staring at me, and instead just had to sit with the producers and CDs, as I had been for over a month, and put the same scene on tape for the network). I was so relaxed at that tape test I was eating a bag of Smartpop white cheddar popcorn and offering it to the producers like we were old chums. I thought it was in the bag. So did the producers. They told me so.

I left for NY the next day to work on a film, and while I was there got the call: "You're not getting the show. The network wants to go younger." In the middle of a busy NY street, I burst into tears. It's not even that I had wanted it so bad (that's a lie), it's that I had invested over a month of my life into trying to get this role (that's the truth). And just like that, some network exec was like....."meh....let's find a new girl in 2 days." And they did.

Guess who ended up getting that role? The girl who texted me this morning. The sweet girl who will be playing my "onscreen BFF." The girl who now, having booked said role from last spring, has done over 20 episodes and easily made over 400k. (Even more if it was well agented).

Now you tell me...how small is this industry?

The verdict on the indie:

2010-04-19T17:53:00.000-07:00

They offered me the role. And I accepted it. (Gleefully, I accepted it).

And courtesy of my super amazing agent, it's a cartwheel inspiring chunk of change PLUS bonuses on the backend (meaning if it becomes a Sundance megahit or a little sleeper hit, or anything in between based on a theatrical release, that once the movie starts making money, so do I! For every million it makes, I get $XX,XXX.XX).

And craziness of all things crazy -- I didn't have to audition for it. There are no words to explain how excited I am by that nice little jump in my career. And certainly worlds away from where I started a few years ago -- like when I wanted killer headshots to get into great auditions, but didn't have killer money, so had my friend take (what turned out to be) awful pix of me in front of an even more awful tree. How do I know they were awful? Oh, because everyone told me. AFTER I printed 500 copies of them. I guess my face surrounded by bark was not the awe-inspring first impression a headshot is supposed to be. Unless it was for a hobbit.

Fast forward 5 years, and based solely on my headshot, reel, and work, I got the part. I'm an offer only indie gal. Teehee.

Awesome.

A joke about agents

2010-04-18T11:19:00.000-07:00

A guy dies and goes to purgatory. While there he gets the chance to check out heaven and hell and see which one he prefers for his afterlife.

He goes to heaven where he sees lots of old guys playing golf; it's quiet and serene, and while God is a nice person, he finds the whole place a little boring...

So he heads over to hell, and he walks in to the most amazing party he's ever been to. The best food, the sexiest women he's ever seen, champagne bottles popping, everyone welcoming him with open arms/excited to meet him -- it's just amazing. The devil comes over to him and says, "I am so excited to see you! I've heard so much about you. You're so handsome and awesome and cool. You should definitely stay with us; you'll love it here. You'll get the best of everything. And you know what, you're VIP now. Anything you want/need, whatever it is, just tell them you're with me."

The guy is amazed. He loves it in hell, he's never been treated this well in his life, and decides to stay there.

He wakes up the next morning in a dark dank room...(not the royal treatment he remembered from last night). "This can't be right..." he thinks to himself. So he goes outside and tries to find someone to help him figure out what's going on. No one is very helpful, some people from the party don't even remember him, and he finally demands to speak with the devil.

After hours of waiting, the devil finally speaks with him. "What can I help you with?," the devil asks.

The guy says, "Hey! I've been trying to get in touch with you. We had so much fun last night, and I think there must be some confusion because everything you told me I'd have here/all the perks/all the fun I haven't really gotten, and afterall...you said I was VIP."

The devil looks at the guy and says: "Right. That was before we signed you."

CONTEST

2010-04-15T16:18:00.000-07:00

Who knew how much buzz the cheesecake post would create? I have been fielding emails like a madwoman, and trying to rack my brain/sort through old journals to remember all the antics that happened at the beginning...the shitty stuff that we try to forget/let go of, but that is in some perverse way pretty funny.

So while I'm working on that -- how bout this:

YOU TELL ME YOUR WORST/FUNNIEST/MOST IRONIC INDUSTRY MOMENT
It can be an audition, something from a casting person, agent drama, whatever may have boiled your blood at the time, but that you will look back at and laugh about one day (hopefully on the couch of some late night talk show). But instead of waiting for that moment, let's find the humor in it now!

At the end of next week (4/23) I will choose my favorite, and the winner will receive:

-A DVD of MY FAVORITE FILM ABOUT THE INDUSTRY
&
-A GIFT CERTIFICATE FOR SOME...CHEESECAKE FROM CHEESECAKE FACTORY (because, seriously, what better way to celebrate?)

***Please submit your entries in the COMMENT SECTION FOR THIS POST -- and also, only 1 entry per person, so make it a good one***

Best of luck!

Update on the indie offer

2010-04-13T18:44:00.000-07:00

...they love my reel
...they're trying to get me more money
...they're making sure I don't have any scheduling conflicts

Wh-wh-wh-whaaaat?

Why do I find it so hard to believe that this could actually work out? That I could get a role without actually auditioning? That I could be at a point in my career where I'm getting straight offers (albeit for an indie, but STILL!).

I'll tell you why -- because it was not so long ago that I was talking to a director who I had met on multiple occasions, who never seemed to remember me. I finally said to him one day, "We've met so many times. Why do you never remember me?" He looked me dead in the eye and said, "Well...be memorable."

It was not so long ago that I was in an audition while two asshole producers literally laughed and texted EACH OTHER during my tearful scene.

It was also not so long ago that a director told me he would give me the part in his shitty non union ultra low budget film if I brought him a chocolate chip cheesecake from the Cheesecake Factory. And with only $40.87 in my checking account, I did. And didn't get the part.

The shit we do and endure at the beginning of our careers. It's as painful as it is comical.

Oh, and if that lame director is reading this and feeling a pang of remorse, there are a couple things he should note:

a- I'll never do one of your films.
b- I like my cheesecake with strawberries (you can deliver it to my agency). Dick.

Getting an offer

2010-04-12T07:39:00.000-07:00

So last week I mentioned this indie film that a casting director called me about. I read it, thought it was adorable, and forwarded everything to my agent.

My NY agent said "Projects like this are just things on paper. If they become something, then great. If not, then you had fun, and it's nothing that ever effects your career." My LA agent shared the same thoughts and said, "Sure. Why not? It doesn't ask for T & A, and you like the script." He then said that his only caveat was that he was not comfortable with me auditioning for it. If they want me, they have to make an offer. Errr....

I felt a weird conflict. My agent (whom I don't consider to be a delusional person) believes in me, and feels I bring value to this film. So much so that I shouldn't have to audition. That felt pretty cool, I must say.

BUT it also felt scary. Because the working actress in me (the girl who has hustled and auditioned for years) can't fathom NOT auditioning. Not because I want to but because I've never not had to. Yes, my credits & reel reflect that I could probably do this role in my sleep. It's a cute ROMCOM and a fun role. And yes, I was just offered a lead in a different indie twice (and had to pass), but that was my friend's film and felt less like business (though i think their budget may have been higher).

I would love to do it....but the idea of just waiting for an offer makes me feel so anxious. Like I don't get the chance to charm the room, and leave them wanting more of my witty banter, and super awesome delivery of the lines ;)

Yes, I ended that with a cheeky wink, but I'm dead serious.

So now is the waiting game....will they make an offer? Tick tock. Tick tock.

I'll keep you posted...

Thank you

2010-04-11T21:44:00.000-07:00

You guys make my day. You really do.

From your comments/questions/emails/moments of commiserating with me over auditions gone awry...all of it means the world to me.

When I started this blog I didn't know what it would evolve into...an experiment of throwing my thoughts into the ether and wondering if anyone would listen. But because of each of you, it has become one of the happiest parts of my day.

So to all of you -- from the Robin's to the Cassie & Amber's...from the Lira's & Phoenix's to the Mariana's, Greg's and Lauren's....and every single one of you in between (of which, there are so many that my cup runneth over).

Thank you so deeply for being a part of this hustle with me.

Cheers to many more laughs, tears, ups and downs. And for your company along the way...

xo
-The (very grateful) Working Actress

Flying solo...ish

2010-04-09T08:56:00.000-07:00

I left my manager. I had been toiling over this decision for a while. (By "decision" I mean problem, and by "a while" I mean a year).

In the past year I haven't felt like he was part of the team. Tons of belief in me, but little follow through. Because in a manager what you want, what I want, is someone who helps me weigh decisions, manage my schedule, and really help to guide my career. I don't need a manager who is CC'd on every email, but responsive to a few. I don't need hand holding or someone to tell me I'm great -- my friends have that one down pat.

And one of my best friend's put it best. She said: "Why are you paying someone 10 percent if they're only doing 1 percent?"

I'm not a mathematician, but that doesn't add up.

So I braced myself and made the call (sparing my agent from having to do my dirty work and make the call for me...which most actors do).

It was not an easy conversation. Just imagine being with someone for a few years, and telling them you're not happy anymore and moving on. You don't end that call and start doing a victory dance. It sucks. It's a bad break up.

I woke up at 2:30am and couldn't get back to sleep until 4:30am. Not out of regret. Out of guilt. I hate hurting people. I hate rocking the boat. But you know what? Boats rock. That's life.

It was time to grow up and put my big girl panties on.

Indie Schmindie

2010-04-08T08:50:00.000-07:00

So yesterday was my first time working on something indie. I don't know what I had in mind (well, that's a lie...I do, and it was frightening) -- I just prepared for the worst: disorganized madness, lack of professionalism, a make-up team that keeps touching your face w/o using hand sanitizer, a hair guy that fries your hair, an inexperienced director, etc.

And quite frankly, all of those things I just mentioned are not that bad. But they're not what I'm used to. So with that said, I get to set in full hair and makeup, a bag of clothing options in hand, and the patience of a saint.

And guess what? I had a great time! Yes, they were disorganized. Yes, I ended up using my bag of clothes because the wardrobe department had not shown up. Yes, they were waaay behind schedule. And yes, the director did actually say, "I love that you're going off the cuff. Because I'm a stickler for improv." (Does anyone else have a huge problem with/or find the hilarity in how that statement just doesn't work?? Maybe that's just me.)

But it was fun, and I left feeling regret that I hadn't accepted the lead. It might have been a cool experience. One never knows...

So as luck would have it, when I wrap for the day I find an email from a casting friend of mine, asking if I'd be interested in a low budget SAG film. Great part, 2 weeks of shooting, and he could see if they could get me more money and a piece of the back-end.

So I'm going to read the script today, see who's attached, and make a decision this week.

But can you imagine...what if I become an indie darling? We'll have to see what my agent says about that one...

The skinny on being...skinny

2010-04-06T13:52:00.000-07:00

So yesterday while I'm working out, there's a girl next to me talking to her trainer. This is what she says:

"Yeah, so I have a lot of projects in the mix, but I can't talk about any of it until everything's signed on the dotted line."

I half listen, thinking it sounds like a lot of fluff (by fluff I mean BS), but then she says something that catches my ear:

"So I'm on a restricted diet right now. But it's fine because I've never liked breakfast anyway, so I'm just doing 250 calories at lunch, and 250 calories at dinner. But it's all such clean food, and...."

Wait, what??? 500 calories a day. That's f-ing ridiculous. Her trainer told her the same thing, and short of listening to her rattle on about how she has a "small frame" and doesn't need more than that, I felt so sad for this girl. This girl with all of her "projects in the mix," and skewed version of what being healthy is.

Because that's the thing -- yes, in Hollywood, leading lady size if generally on the thin side, but no one books well when they look unhealthy.

I saw a girl at an audition once who was repped by my agency, and I called my agent after the read because I was concerned by how thin she'd become. I'm talking a shell of the girl she once was. He shared with me that he was worried, as were other agents, and they were having a talk with her. She wasn't booking. She was scary thin.

So what does this come back to? If you read my blog, you know what I'm about to say. Drumroll, please: BALANCE.

Eat well, exercise, treat yourself, etc. Because here's the thing -- when you cut out carbs, the second you have a sliver of one, your body basically inflates. When you stop eating and eat a horrifyingly low 500 calories a day, your hair will fall out, and your skin will look like it did when you were 15 and on acutane.

I keep my weight by: running, pilates (Pilates Plus HBV is my absolute fav!), eating fruits, veggies, whole grains, and fish/chicken during the week, and not depriving myself of great dinner parties and all of my foodie indulgences (great wine, cheese, a killer steak, etc.) on the weekends.

It's a lifestyle. It's not the easiest, but it's a choice. Not just to look healthy, but to feel healthy.

So please...all of you, especially the girls, be easy on yourselves. Be healthy, stay fit and ready to book, but take care of your bodies. Take care of yourselves.

And if all else fails then watch "Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution." My new obsession. Changing lives and looking adorable. I mean... :::::swoon::::

PS
This pic is of some of my farmer's market pickings.

ADR

2010-04-05T12:49:00.000-07:00

Just wrapped up some ADR for the day.

(That's when something is in post production/editing and they didn't get the sound quality quite right, so they need you to go to a sound booth and re-record those lines/sounds/etc).

In my case, most of my ADR experience has been some variation of my character suffering. I wish I was joking.

Being shot, having a collapsed lung, being caught in a fire, jumping from a building...the list goes on. Basically anything that requires me to grunt, hyperventilate, choke, or gasp for air -- all whilst delivering a random line and having two sound guys watch me stand there and recreate these bizarre moments. That seems to be my specialty. (Talk about "special skills" on a resume....)

Oh, to be an actress.

It was a busy day at the studio though -- aside from various recognizable names, Jay Baruchel was there. A fancy little day indeed.

Off to workout and get ready for the film shoot tomorrow...

To all the naysayers

2010-04-02T19:58:00.001-07:00

The thought of this always makes me laugh. Not for the fact that Tom Hanks knocks a child upside the head with a baseball glove (afterall, I'm not evil), but because:

A- it's hilarious
B- it makes me feel motivated, inspired, excited. You're right Tom Hanks (with your infectious conviction in this fact)....
"We're gonna win!!"

The next time you're stressing before an audition, just think of this. (Oh, Stilwell angel...)